Don't Worry, Still Alive

Class and other various responsibilities has been kicking my ass for the past, fuck I don't know, pretty much since I last posted almost a month ago. Add onto that I haven't had a computer for over a month because the pins on my cpu were bent because the cpu fan got jostled so I needed to buy a new cpu and install it and you've got a fun combination leading to a lack of posting.

Anyway, not a whole ton of this is actually trans* related, it's just sort of a stream of consciousness bitchfest about my life, so take it with a grain of salt.

My classes are fun, and pretty interesting. I feel like I'm actually delving into real engineering more so than I have in the past, although in many ways it's not quite there. I'm looking at a million different engineering related projects I want to do, but I can't see how I'll ever have time for. Like put together a team, get a grant and build a reprap with grant funding from the college of engineering, and maybe design a wireless communication system for it. Or making and selling vaporizers to the local stores in town to get some extra money. learning matlab scripting, autocad, and muiltisim in more meaningful ways than the bullshit we do in my freshman level class. Or working on the million bio-medical engineering ideas I have. I could probably patent quite a few ideas, but I have no idea how the fuck that process works, or criteria for what fulfills a patent. Actually doing design.

But I also have a million social justice things going on to. I'm the co-representative of a trans* advocacy group that growing and become more mature with every meeting. We're doing things like cataloging all the gender neutral bathrooms on campus. We're putting together educational flyers, figuring out printing, and trying to put information out there, all trying to advocate for trans* people on campus. This is a shitton of work.

I also have class obligations for grades and am currently in the application process for a job that will keep me financially stable for the next 3 years, and the grades and certification I get from my classes which is usually seen as "the reason" people go to college, so they can get a mediocre mind-numbing office job that pay decently so they can get a nice white picket fence, pop out children for a while and then die at 80 of a heart attack are a distraction from what I want to do.

I want to actually do things, and maybe children in the long term might not be a bad idea, but I don't want that to be the sole contribution I make to the world. This sounds lame as fuck, but it's true: but I want to work towards fundamentally changing the world in positive and progressive ways whether that's through social advocacy and change, or through helping the world by developing useful technologies, or through a combination of the two, or something else entirely. I could give two shits about money, outside of not starving, and being able to afford the things and tools I need in order to continue what I want to do. I don't care about my grades, outside of having them good enough to get past gate-keeping mechanisms, like getting into grad school and whatnot. I care about learning useful information from my classes that will let me do what I want to do, and accomplish what I want accomplish. Grades, certification, and money are a means to end, not the end itself, and I feel like a lot of people my age simply do not grasp that.

I've got a million responsibilities, and sometimes I feel super-overwhelmed. Getting organized has helped me a lot. I've got a little planner that is filled to the brim each week with all the shit I have to get done. I have little 30 mg tablets of vyvnase, an ADD drug, which helps keep me focused. I've got strategies for studying and learning, and philosophies for processing and incorporating new knowledge, but I get so much on my plate. I don't want to narrow myself in anyway because as Richard Heinlein once said "

Stereotypical post after long break

So yeah, I'm still alive and still posting

Queue excuses for why I haven't posted in about a month.

My computer died for about 3 weeks, and I had to replace the fan, heatsink and thermal paste on the cpu. Due to her death and rebirth her name is now Lazarus. And I repaired her all by myself too, which made me feel like a big grown up girl. Go me.

Finals week was also hectic (not really I only had three exams) but I'll go ahead and keep saying it was. Got a 3.05 this quarter though so I guess it went decently, and got around my goal GPA for each quarter which is a 3.0 or above.

I've also spent all my time this break playing mass effect 3 and Skyrim, and hanging out with my roommates on my roof, which is sort of a quintessential way to spend spring break in my humble opinion.

(Seriously, who doesn't want to kill alien invaders as a bad ass starship captain?) 

But yeah really the only reason I haven't posted in a month is because I'm a lazy fuck. You're going to have to deal with that. You know, I have to deal with my lazy fuckery on a daily basis you know. How do you think that makes me feel? It's not all about you. God. (It's obviously all about me)

Joke.

Anyway. News.

So I just got my fourth month of hormones. Shits chugging along quite nicely. My body is definately still going through some pretty radical changes, my chest and ass are getting bigger, and I seem more slim (Although that may be more from malnutrition because I'm a poor-ass college student) My face also seems to be changing more, but that's more of my face looks different from 3 months ago, rather than my face looks different from last week.

I suppose that I'll be going full time next week (I sort of have already?), which is kind of a big thing

I mean the only change is that I'll be dressing to go to class and work the same way I want to dress when I'm hanging out around the house, or going the various queer meetings I go to.

I mean it's weird because when I say I'm going full time that doesn't necessarily mean what I think a lot of people thinks it means. I'm still going to be behaving the same goofy way I always do, it's just I'll have make-up on and hopefully strangers will get my pronouns right, and not ask me what my "real name" is (It's fucking Natalie. My name is Natalie, Nat, Natty, Natattack, whatever the fuck you want to call me so long as it's at least tangentially related to my real fucking name: Natalie, okay?)

I sent emails to all my professors though, I'd figure I'd post it up on here (I had originally stole it from tumblr, and then modified it to suit my purposes) because the orginal template is really formal and well done. I've gotten emails back from all but one of my professors, and the responses have all been positive, especially in my RA training class, which is the big thing that needed to happen. If one of my engineering proffesors is a dick, then I can deal with that, but if my RA training instructors are going to discriminate against me, then we have problem, because that's affecting me getting a job.

But yeah.

I'm not really nervous. I mean I'm going to be nervous about particular things. Like are these shorts too short and showing off my manly ass legs and going to affect me passing. Will wearing this shirt get me hatecrimed because my shoulders are obviously too massive to fit in it, that sort of bullshit.

But viewing it as a whole I don't really see anything to be worried about. My campus is liberal as hell, and I don't know a single person on a first name basis who doesn't already know. I'm pretty out, which is pretty awesome.

Honestly I'm just excited for Heidi to get back to me after being away for an entire week (Egads!? A whole week!? How did you survive!? I bet you're asking yourself right now), and for class to start.

Other cools news. Our band Much Much More (You should like us facebook, there's a good chance that will cause world peace, and personal happiness in your life.) is doing 3 gigs in April so here's to a busy month! With luck I'll try to get some video of one so I can post it up here.  

So I was going to wax on rhapsodical about my life a bit more but this is already long as fuck. So here's a picture of myself from today.

(Yes, my room is janky as fuck. Yes that is a christmas wreathe, and my dresser is broken, and I only have one curtain. This is why my life is awesome.)

Have a lovely day.

A little post.

So sometimes I really need bitch.

Okay. Let's be honest. I bitch about things ALOT.

(I can't help myself. It gets me everytime)

But sometimes its nice to look at the positives.

And my life is super awesome right now.

I'm on hormones and transitioning to who I want to be. Changes are becoming apparent. I get to dress up the way I want to.

I have a great group of friends who I hang out with.

A community that accepts me.

A girlfriend who I'm madly crazy in love with, whose in love with me.

I'm in line to have a dream job for the next few years, and provided I get it I won't have to worry about money until I graduate. 

I'm going to school for something I love, taking classes I enjoy.

I live in a sweet house with great roommates.

I'm in a fucking band, making money, for making music. And loving every minute.

Life is fucking awesome.

When I first came out, and the months after, while still at military school, and a lot of the summer afterwards I was in a really terrible place. I didn't' think things would improve.

I'd be pleased to see myself now.

I wish I could go back and tell me life's gonna be great, just hang in there.

Because I didn't have too much in the way of hope.

Because now life is fantastic.

That is all.

I fucking got it.

I received the best email while in not necessarily in the best state of mind this Friday. After rereading it a few times and then making my girlfriend read it to make sure I was reading it right I flipped my shit.

Here's the email.

Subject: Congratulations-RA Process-Continue on to take class

Dear [old name]:

I am writing on behalf of the Paraprofessional Selection Team of the Department of Residential Housing.  After reviewing the feedback by those who you interviewed with, I am happy to extend to you an invitation to enroll in EDCP 400. Enrollment in EDCP 400 is required for all RA candidates who wish to be considered for an RA position. The class is taught by current Residential Housing staff and provides training for RA candidates.   

As the next step in your candidacy, you must register for one of the sections of EDCP 400 that is designated “For Students in the RA Training Program.”  When those class sections are available for registration you will receive another email with instructions on the registration process.  

Basically I got the RA job. Almost.

I need to do this class. And qualifying for being the resident adviser for gender neutral housing is going to be a competition, but the interview part was definitely going to be hardest part of the selections process.

So yeah. Provided I don't royally fuck up this next quarter then I should be set for the next few years as far as education is concerned.

I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with my cat J'zargo (He's most likely going to be taken by my girlfriend, or I'll leave him for my roommate to have, if he wants him.)

This weekend was fucking ridiculously awesome though.

Friday night was spent playing a gig which went really well, and then with friends, hanging out at the house. I got the gf a hookah for her birthday, which she seemed to really enjoy. And then we headed to her aunts house (who is really cool) to celebrate her 21st birthday.

Awkwardness ensured when we went to her conservatives grandparents house though. (Who pretty much raised her, and don't know she is actually really really gay, and dating my trans* ass.) 

It didn't help that I was wearing her dinosaur hoodie the whole time. (This thing is comfy and badass and purple all at the same time) 

Or that one of my friends not so subtly mentioned queer prom in the car with her grandfather.

But there weren't any real crises, and her grandparents are still relatively in the dark, so the trip ended positively.

Winning.

I can piss in peace now.

So my first class of the day this quarter is Biology. Every weekday morning at 9 am.

After that class I have a circuits class in another building a good 5-8 minute walk away.

The span in between when one class ends and the next one begins is 10 minutes. No problem right?

Well actually problem.

I have the bladder of a 12 year old.

Combine that with the fact that spironolactone is a diuretic (Makes you pee more) and the fact that I usually drink either a monster of a giant fucking cup of coffee during biology, we do have sort of a problem.

A big problem, especially considering that the only gender neutral bathroom is a detour in the opposite direction of where I need to be, so I'm consistently late to my circuits class by a good five to ten minute, which my teacher doesn't necessarily appreciate. Especially considering I'm one of about 11 people who are in the class.

I've tried using the guys bathroom in the engineering building where my circuits class is, but that is literally the most awkward experience, and probably not the safest. I don't pass or go in girl-mode to class 90% of the time so I can't really use the womens.


But I mean. I HAVE to pee every morning at 10 am. It's fucking clockwork. (Actually its for maintaining homeostasis of water and electrolytes, but still.)

But guess what?

I found a gender neutral bathroom RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BIOLOGY CLASS.

And it's clean. And it locks. And it's completely hidden.

I can pee in peace.

I swear finding new gender neutral bathrooms is like encountering a unicorn.

It's a rare and magical experience.

I don't understand why they don't put the gender neutral bathrooms in plain sight next to the other two bathrooms. Seems screwy to me, but whatevs.

So problem solved. Yay!

I hope you enjoyed this post about my pissing habits. Tune in next week.

Third Month of hormones

Woot, just got my third months worth of hormones.

Always a good feeling.

So I'm working to help start a transgender advocacy group on campus because there really isn't anywhere for us to go, aside from the local support group but that has limits on what it can lobby for out of the virtue of protecting people's confidentiality

Shits been busy and rocky, but we're slowly getting moving.

Who knew starting a group to advocate for the needs and desires of an entire section of a community would be hard?

I mean it will get off the ground. Or I'm gonna die trying. The big problem that I can see happening is that I push for a bunch of shit to happen and people get excited, but without anyone saying hey these things need done a lot of people will lose interest.

It's just a game of building momentum right now.

Anyway, these next two weeks should be fun.

I am fucking broke as shit. Like I'm gonna have about 10 dollars to my name after bills and other expenses until I get paid next in two weeks. I guess there's just going to be a lot of skyrim going on instead of going out.

(Where I basically just run around yelling FUCK YOU and catching butterflies)

It's not too bad, I have food, and my bills will be paid. But nothing extra is happening. I need it to be next quarter so I can get my student loans and be able to have money once again. It'd be nice.

In other news in my life. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I'm the baritone ukulele player of a three person ukulele band in Athens Ohio, so if you're ever around you should check us out. We're called Much Much More and we're sort of a big deal. Here's our band page. On facebook. Like us and all of your hopes and dreams will come true. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Much-Much-More/337188362981870

ALSO

I'm really fucking ridiculously super excited because my girlfriend asked me out to queer prom a while back and it's happening the weekend after next! She's letting me borrow this beautiful black dress from her high school prom and she's gonna wear a girly suit and we're going to be adorable and gay and pretty and asdfl;khasdfkjasd

I'm just really excited.