Don't Worry, Still Alive

Class and other various responsibilities has been kicking my ass for the past, fuck I don't know, pretty much since I last posted almost a month ago. Add onto that I haven't had a computer for over a month because the pins on my cpu were bent because the cpu fan got jostled so I needed to buy a new cpu and install it and you've got a fun combination leading to a lack of posting.

Anyway, not a whole ton of this is actually trans* related, it's just sort of a stream of consciousness bitchfest about my life, so take it with a grain of salt.

My classes are fun, and pretty interesting. I feel like I'm actually delving into real engineering more so than I have in the past, although in many ways it's not quite there. I'm looking at a million different engineering related projects I want to do, but I can't see how I'll ever have time for. Like put together a team, get a grant and build a reprap with grant funding from the college of engineering, and maybe design a wireless communication system for it. Or making and selling vaporizers to the local stores in town to get some extra money. learning matlab scripting, autocad, and muiltisim in more meaningful ways than the bullshit we do in my freshman level class. Or working on the million bio-medical engineering ideas I have. I could probably patent quite a few ideas, but I have no idea how the fuck that process works, or criteria for what fulfills a patent. Actually doing design.

But I also have a million social justice things going on to. I'm the co-representative of a trans* advocacy group that growing and become more mature with every meeting. We're doing things like cataloging all the gender neutral bathrooms on campus. We're putting together educational flyers, figuring out printing, and trying to put information out there, all trying to advocate for trans* people on campus. This is a shitton of work.

I also have class obligations for grades and am currently in the application process for a job that will keep me financially stable for the next 3 years, and the grades and certification I get from my classes which is usually seen as "the reason" people go to college, so they can get a mediocre mind-numbing office job that pay decently so they can get a nice white picket fence, pop out children for a while and then die at 80 of a heart attack are a distraction from what I want to do.

I want to actually do things, and maybe children in the long term might not be a bad idea, but I don't want that to be the sole contribution I make to the world. This sounds lame as fuck, but it's true: but I want to work towards fundamentally changing the world in positive and progressive ways whether that's through social advocacy and change, or through helping the world by developing useful technologies, or through a combination of the two, or something else entirely. I could give two shits about money, outside of not starving, and being able to afford the things and tools I need in order to continue what I want to do. I don't care about my grades, outside of having them good enough to get past gate-keeping mechanisms, like getting into grad school and whatnot. I care about learning useful information from my classes that will let me do what I want to do, and accomplish what I want accomplish. Grades, certification, and money are a means to end, not the end itself, and I feel like a lot of people my age simply do not grasp that.

I've got a million responsibilities, and sometimes I feel super-overwhelmed. Getting organized has helped me a lot. I've got a little planner that is filled to the brim each week with all the shit I have to get done. I have little 30 mg tablets of vyvnase, an ADD drug, which helps keep me focused. I've got strategies for studying and learning, and philosophies for processing and incorporating new knowledge, but I get so much on my plate. I don't want to narrow myself in anyway because as Richard Heinlein once said "

I fucking got it.

I received the best email while in not necessarily in the best state of mind this Friday. After rereading it a few times and then making my girlfriend read it to make sure I was reading it right I flipped my shit.

Here's the email.

Subject: Congratulations-RA Process-Continue on to take class

Dear [old name]:

I am writing on behalf of the Paraprofessional Selection Team of the Department of Residential Housing.  After reviewing the feedback by those who you interviewed with, I am happy to extend to you an invitation to enroll in EDCP 400. Enrollment in EDCP 400 is required for all RA candidates who wish to be considered for an RA position. The class is taught by current Residential Housing staff and provides training for RA candidates.   

As the next step in your candidacy, you must register for one of the sections of EDCP 400 that is designated “For Students in the RA Training Program.”  When those class sections are available for registration you will receive another email with instructions on the registration process.  

Basically I got the RA job. Almost.

I need to do this class. And qualifying for being the resident adviser for gender neutral housing is going to be a competition, but the interview part was definitely going to be hardest part of the selections process.

So yeah. Provided I don't royally fuck up this next quarter then I should be set for the next few years as far as education is concerned.

I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with my cat J'zargo (He's most likely going to be taken by my girlfriend, or I'll leave him for my roommate to have, if he wants him.)

This weekend was fucking ridiculously awesome though.

Friday night was spent playing a gig which went really well, and then with friends, hanging out at the house. I got the gf a hookah for her birthday, which she seemed to really enjoy. And then we headed to her aunts house (who is really cool) to celebrate her 21st birthday.

Awkwardness ensured when we went to her conservatives grandparents house though. (Who pretty much raised her, and don't know she is actually really really gay, and dating my trans* ass.) 

It didn't help that I was wearing her dinosaur hoodie the whole time. (This thing is comfy and badass and purple all at the same time) 

Or that one of my friends not so subtly mentioned queer prom in the car with her grandfather.

But there weren't any real crises, and her grandparents are still relatively in the dark, so the trip ended positively.

Winning.

Post Anarchy / The interview

So this one post every two weeks thing is dumb.

So is once a week.

The thing is, my life doesn't happen in nice manageable chunks like that. So I'm just gonna update whenever.

Fuck the man.

(Shamelessly stolen from this chick I know's tumblr, also foxes are adorable)

Anyway.

So here's the thing that's been dominating my thoughts the past few days.

Job Interview.

Here's the deal.

I'm fucking poor.

I go to school full time, which thankfully is covered by my Dad working for the university. But as far as paying for bills rent, and food I'm on my own, and I'm getting loans out the ass for that. But loans aren't much. They cover my rent, and some transition cost, which are important things. Food and utilities are covered by my ten hour a week minimum wage job, which is actually only a five hour a week minimum wage job because my house got cut. I don't have much money left over.

And to be honest I don't much care for being fucking poor.

But here's the thing. Resident Assistants get a pretty much free dorm room, as well as a grand a semester. What's more is that there's special populations, like international students, or substance free, or in my case, gender neutral housing, which is pretty much designed for trans* people.  The job description fits me pretty damn well.

This sounds like a awesome job that I could do, and do well.

And I wouldn't be as poor. I'd have much more money that I could spend on transitioning, and buying pretty things. (Although I hate to sound stereotypical I would love some bitching shoes. Which are expensive, especially for a size 13 womens.)

So I'd get an extra two grand a year, and the 3.5 grand I'm already getting in student loans would be mine to keep. While I would be making payments on various bullshit (Phone bill from at&t that I got with army money, I'm looking at you), as well as paying back my parents for various stuff, I'd be able to keep a pretty hefty sum of that and possibly even begin saving up for some surgeries.

So basically I could be financially secure, and afford nice things until I graduate and then I'll have a pretty engineering degree which will see me through having a job and being financially secure after graduation. (Thank the flying spaghetti monster the field I'm in love with actually has job prospects, unlike say, english, or theatre).

So yeah this would basically be a dream job for the next two years. So I sent in an application with some recommendations.

And I applied as a girl. (sort of)

I had to put my legal name and everything, but I put my preferred name next to it, and put female as the gender marker (Hey, they asked for gender).  I made it pretty explicitly clear that I am trans* in the application too, which should be okay, since gender identity is on my university's non-discrimination policy. (Which, as most people should know doesn't mean discrimination doesn't actually happen)

And surprisingly/awesomely enough, I got an interview.

Fuck yes.

Now in the past, I've interviewed pretty well. I've never gone into an interview and not gotten a job, although I've only done like 3. I'm pretty well-spoken if I do say so myself. (Although it doesn't hurt that I'm a better bullshitter, for the most part.)

But this is different. I was always really good at going in, and being the stereotypical all-american boy with a strong handshake and abusing the fuck out of my privilege to earn a job. This is how I got my prestigious four-year paid army scholarship (in addition to being decent at standardized like the ACT which I got a 31 or 32  on.)

I couldn't necessarily do that for this interview.

I know I'm definitely going to be full time presenting female by next school year regardless of whether or not I get this job, because at the rate I'm going my body on hormones won't let me do anything else (As well as the incredible mental relief that will bring). So I'd much rather be presenting female from the get go. Which is what I did.

Can I just say that I was nervous as fuck going into that interview?

The day before it really hit me that this was the route I chose, and I needed to figure out a semi-formal outfit to go into the interview. I was wigging the fuck out running around my room desperately trying to figure out what to wea, should I wear a sports bra and look like I don't actually have any boobs (sports bras are ridiculously comfy and at the moment make my chest still appear relatively flat), or should I wear a real big-girl bra, which will make it very obvious? Should I wear eyeliner? How about mascara? Shit I still have redness from laser the other day (Still hurt like hell) Is cover-up going to take care of that.

I was a fucking mess.

So I got my shit together, whined to my girlfriend for a little while via text (She's away at MBLGTACC a big LGBT conference in Iowa this weekend.) and figured everything out. Still nervous though. I half suspected walking in and them just being like "Why does this dude have eyeliner on and boobs?"

So interview came around, I walked in told them I was Nat (last name) (I usually go by Nat instead of Natalie in day to day, because it's shorter and won't immediately out me if I don't want to be outed) and did the interview.

And I think it went pretty well. I answered questions pretty decently, and explicitly mentioned I was trans* a few times, in regards to diversity and creating safe spaces, and the two interviewers were really nice.

But I don't find out for another week or two if I made it to the next round of the application process (A one quarter long class, which I'm pretty sure I will rock the shit out of)

So yeah. We'll see. It sounds almost too good, so something will get fucked up and it won't work out knowing my luck.

Here's a picture of me in my room after my interview.

(I really should figure out a way to take pictures on something other than my webcam.)

On an unrelated note I'm thinking about dying my hair the blackish/blue it was before it faded away. Right now it's pretty much my natural color, which is boring, but I don't really have any money to burn on hair dye right now either.

More updates when I feel like it (Hopefully shorter ones)

Two Months! (Or "How the fuck did this happen" AKA "Yay boobs")

So I've officially been on hormones for two months at 5:30 on the 22.

This past month I've done pretty much just three things. Schoolwork, gay & trans* stuff, and hanging out with my lovely girlfriend, whose crashed out in my bed right behind me as I write this, recovering from some illness that I will likely catch in another day or two.

We'll knock out some non transies stuff first.

The reason this is late as fuck is because I've been super busy and continue to be super busy with midterms.

Here's something weird for me.

I'm pretty sure this is the first time in college, or school really, that I've actually had to study shit. And you know, do homework. Since high school I've always just been able to attend class/lecture, and walk out of there with B's and A's without putting forth much effort at all. That carried onto my freshman year of college at the military school (which is good because there was literally no time for schoolwork outside of class, given all the military shit we had to do) and most of last quarter with the exception of massive cram sessions towards the end.

Now it's like every night and day, I'm doing problems for my two engineering classes, going over differential equation bs because my teacher speaks very little English and likes ramble instead of, you know, teach. And biology takes up large swaths of time because so much material is being covered in such short time.

And I'm not going to lie to you:

I fucking love it. 

I'm enjoying the shit out of being busy. And my classes are reminding me how much I want to be an engineer. I love the logic puzzles, the circuits, learning about the brain (I actually had a small learning-gasm while our ordinarily very boring professor was describing how synapses in the brain work)

My classes are at just the right level of challenging without being overwhelming. Add that to the fact that I'm starting to actually get a little organized, (I am literally the least organized person in the world, as one glimpse at my room, or my notebooks would tell you.) just makes me feel really good about being in school for something I love.

It definitely doesn't hurt that my girlfriend is encouraging that, making sure I get my stuff done, we study and do our separate homework together. I have a really bad habit of doing what those around me are doing, and since she's really studious, I become really studious, which is an immense help.

I have noticed something though. I don't really hang out with non-queer people very much. Given that engineering tends to be really conservative and most the people in my class tend to just sort of stare at me, and then look away really quickly if I glance in their direction (I guess they don't want to catch THE GAY), and so with one or two exceptions I don't really talk or hang out with people in my major. Which kind of blows because I love nerding out about engineering stuff, and don't know many other queer engineers. So maybe that can be a project for the next month or so. Talk to people. I dunno.

Anyway. (So at this point your probably thinking "Natalie you ramble a fucking lot." to which I will reply "Yes I do", and then continue with a different story.)

I'm helping to start a Trans* advocacy group on campus right now. It's a ton of work at the moment, but luckily it's all being done online as far as organization is concerned. This is something that's been talked about between those involved in the trans* community here for a while, especially since our only way to meet is through the local trans* support group, which runs into confidentiality issues if we try to use that for anything public. So that's in it's fetal stages, right now and we'll see what comes of that.

On a slightly different note I've been having some feelings about my name. Well I guess it's not really my name. My old name rather. All of the people I know who I interact with in my day to day life call me either Nat or Natalie. Pronouns aren't as commonly gotten right, with the exception of a few close friends, but that's not as big a deal at the moment.

Anyway, I was at the library with a few friends, and I suppose after midnight you need to present your student ID to prove that you're a student. Okay, whatever, no big deal. But I didn't have mine on me, so when the guy strolled around asking for IDs, I asked him if I could just tell him my student number instead. He said sure, I told him, and then he asked for a name. I hesitated for a minute about to say "Nat *last name*, but instead realized that he probably needed my old, legal, name.

And so I said that instead.

One of my friends at the table with us, just stared at me and said "Wow, that looked really fucking painful."

And it literally was. It felt like being punched in the gut. I'm not sure if it was the name itself or the fact that I never wanted any of my friends to view me as "My old Name" rather than Nat or Natalie. I felt like fucking crying.

It plain sucked.

And I mean I still use my old name. My parents and siblings use it. But that sucks too. To a lesser degree because I'm more or less used to it. But I wish I could convey how much it would mean to me if they started using Nat or Natalie instead of my old name.

I dunno. Just being blatantly reminded that I sometimes have to play someone else entirely fucking blows, in a way that's hard to explain.

Rambling and bitching.

Sorry.

As far as actual body stuff goes I'm actually starting to see the results of laser which is GLORIOUS.

I mean my face is still hairy and I still have to shave, but it's a fuckton less dense, and there are patches where there's no hair at all. I think after 3 more of the treatments then I should only have to shave maybe once a week or so. Basically very rarely. At most I might have to do a once annual upkeep thing after that, since electrolysis isn't really an option in my area, but still that's so much better than shvaing every goddamn morning.

Also Boobs!

Still not quite a cup-size yet, but they're definately getting more noticeable. I'm not sure what I'm going to do come time when I can't just throw on a hoodie over them and be able to pass okay as a cis-dude so I can go about my daily life relatively unharassed.

It's one thing to have a bag covered in rainbows and buttons clearly spelling you out as trans*. Or have your friends use female pronouns and name in front of people you don't know. That might garner a few raised eyebrows, at most.

It's quite another thing to be walking around in between genders, and not just in a wearing girl's jeans sort of way, more of "You have boobs, but you look sort of like a guy"-way. That might garner a bit more than raised eyebrows, and I'll have to be more careful about doing certain things, like walking around alone at night. Or using certain bathrooms (Thank Cthulhu for gender neutral restrooms).

I mean don't get me wrong. I'm fucking excited about all these body changes.

They're awesome!

But it's a lot easier to write about nervousness than being more comfortable in your own body. There's more words for nervousness. Suffice to say I'm really fucking enjoying the effects of hormones.

Anyway. Gotta get back to studying.

P.S. I think I'm going to start doing every other week instead of every week, because like I said, I'm busy as fuck, but that will also give me more time to write about trans* stuff that doesn't necessarily relate to my transition which I really want to do.

Week Seven

So this post is really late. I've been busy. My bad. (It seems to me like about half these post are going to end up with me starting with apologizing for being late. Perhaps I should just stop giving a shit and update whenever)

Oh well

My life more and more seems like a cheesy coming of age movie. It's developing in ways that I would have never expected to, and instead of the gorgeous Zach Braff as the protagonist it's my trans* ass.

(With feel-good indie pop constantly playing in the background)

For instance. People come over to my house and hangout on a regular basis. Me and my roommate actually host get-togethers where everyone gets really fucked up and plays video-games. Or goes down to the club. Or just hangs out.

And then we wake up in the morning and drink coffee, maybe make some breakfast.

It's glorious.

It's unexpected though. I was always this little nerdy kid who would play elder scrolls games in her room for hours on end. Now people come in and out of my house, we enjoy each other's company. People crash on my couch. I'm actually being social. Voluntarily! Crazy!

It's weird. And I get to wake up next to my gorgeous girlfriend most mornings.

I've started a three ukulele band with a few friends named Much Much More (Yes this will probably be the most hipster thing I've ever done with my life.)

It's almost like I'm growing up a bit. I'm not as much of a kid anymore, hiding in my parent's basement, emerging only at midnight to feast on peanut butter and jelly.

It's like I'm almost a for-realsies adult, leading my own life, doing the things that I enjoy. It's a good feeling.

But anyways.

Trans-stuff.

Next week marks my second month of HRT. Go me.

Also, more body changes are happening, and much faster than I anticipated. I'm actually starting to grow boobs now instead of just having these nasty little headlights poking out of shirt. I mean don't get me wrong, they're not exactly developed, and I doubt that I would fit even the smallest cup size. But I do need to wear a sports bra pretty much all the time now. And it feels pretty awesome. And is really exciting.

Oh and I got my laser appointment this past Wednesday.

(Pew pew)

It hurt like fucking hell.

If you were to google to see if laser hurts you're probably going to read something along the lines of "It feels like someone snapping a rubber band on your face."

Let me tell you something.

That's fucking bullshit.

Laser was probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. And considering the things I've done to my body that's not a meaningless statement. I've got a scar on my right eyebrow from a staff sergeant kicking a fucking door into my face (funny story that) and subsequently getting 4-5 stitches. I used to do parkour and fall and hurt myself A LOT, and have more than a few scars from that. I've no less than 5 3rd degree burn scars on my body that will be with me for the rest of my life.

And while your experience may vary, none of that was up to par with getting laser done on my face.

I didn't have any anesthetic or numbing creme, maybe that would change things. And the lady doing it said the first time was going to be the worst because the hairs were the thickest.

But. FUCK.

The best analogy I can draw is someone heating up a needle strong enough to give you a second or third degree burns and then sticking it in your face repeatedly at a steady beat for 10 minutes, with it never cooling down.

Holy shit.

When I actually saw smoke from my facial hair being literally burned away, I had to just closed my eyes and just suffered in silence, til it was done, taking occasional breaks when it got a bit too intense.

It might be that hormones are affecting the way that I feel pain. It's just that, I've always been able to sort of grunt my way through any sort of pain. Finally it goes away I yell profanities for a few minutes and then I'm good to go.

Not this.

I literally just cried for about 20 minutes after I was done. I cried harder than I've ever cried for any sort of physical pain. I finally composed myself, payed my 200 bones to the doctor, left, found a bathroom (Thank the flying spaghetti monster for gender neutral, 1 stall, bathrooms) and then cried for another half-hour. Just weeping from the pain. I've never felt anything so intense. 

It. Fucking. sucked.

It doesn't help that your face has a metric shitton of nerve endings, especially around the lips (where there is a lot of fucking hair for me).

As far as effects, the doc said that it should take about 4 sessions and I should see a 80% or so reduction in permanent hair, which should rid me of my dreaded beard shadow, as well as the need to shave daily,. My hair is definately thinner on my face, and I definately see improvements. My face was red as hell afterwards, and felt like it was sunburned to hell, and it seems likely that it's causing me to break-out with acne right now, but that should go away.

Also another thing to mention right quick. I was under the impression that I would go in, they'd zap me, and my hair would be gone by the end of the appointment, burned away to oblivion.

That's actually not what happens. They zap the fuck out of the hair follicles and then the hair gradually falls out half a week to a week later. Which sucked because I wasn't able to shave until about a day after I had it done, and had already been growing the hair for a day or two prior, so the laser specialist would actually have something to zap. So I got to walk around feeling dysphoric as fuck from my facial hair for about half a week. Just something to mention I suppose.

So yeah, laser. I've got my next appointment next month, provided the salvation army actually fucking pays me so I can afford it (Don't get me started).

On a slightly different note one of my good friends (whose actually dating my roommate, also trans*) just came out as transgender (ftm), which is super super exciting for him. It's always fun to know people like yourself I suppose, but also it's such a big step for him to be going by different pronouns and whatnot. Luckily our circle of friends is really affirming, and have been really good about pronouns (for me and him).

(Though my lovely girlfriend played a pretty huge role in getting my friends to switch to using she for me, since I always feel awkward asking people to use my preferred pronouns.)

The really funny thing is that prior to coming out as a guy he was what one would consider a super-dyke lesbian. Like unicorns eating glitter and shitting rainbows sort of gay. Fabulous, one might say.

(Fair approximation)

But since he came out as guy he started dating one of my roommates (also male), so ironically enough, he's still got the gay albeit in a different direction.

Go Team Queer.

Anyway.

That's pretty much it for this week. It's not that I don't have more to talk about but I do sort of have real obligations. Like you know, School. This fucking differential equations class may kill me (although it would be nice if the teacher had a working grasp of the English language). The life of being an engineering major. Good thing I fucking love it, otherwise I'd probably end up killing myself.

Here's a picture of me from this past saturday before heading out to gay night at the local bar.

Cheers.

Week Six!

Okay, so I've had like the best week ever.

(with the exception of when I got my hormones, but I mean that was more crazy/lifechanging/emotional, and this is more just everything is awesome sort of thing.)

Schools back in session. I finally have something to do with my life again. My class schedule is a lot less ridiculous than it was last quarter which is awesome. (Apparently having 9 hours of lab classes every week in addition to having a full regular class schedule and working a part time job wasn't as good an idea for my mental health as one might think)

But since school's back in session that also means that all my friends are back, which is super-exciting! Most of my friends are queer as well, and fit somewhere under the alphabet soup lgbt umbrella. Which is fabulous in every sense of the word.

And I'm going to go on a brief tangent for a minute, so bear with me. One thing I've noticed though, we all joke about gay things. Stereotypes, euphemisms, innuendo, all that fun stuff. It's legitimately hilarious. We never joke about trans* things.

And there are quite a few trans* identified, and gender variant people in our group (although I'm the only one transitioning at the moment) And I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's sort of unmentioned. Trans* jokes don't really pop up, other than for the sake of "Oh hey we've got an entire alphabet here" sort of jokes.

I mean to be fair I really fucking hate things like obviously cis-gender guys in drag for the sake of a joke. Like that horrible abc series that's staring up.

(*Shudder* Let us never speak of this again)

So, on one hand it's sort of relieving, but on the other I wonder/worry if me being trans* might make some of my friends uncomfortable, or if they feel like it's a subject that just shouldn't be joked about, or if it's just something that never crosses their mind.

I'm not sure how I'd take a trans* joke. I mean at a party for new years, this one guy who is as camp as a row a tents and was on the border of complete liver failure came up to me said "Nat come here, ya' trannie bitch, give me a hug."

ಠ_ಠ

I mean, Browhat? 

I judged him with my judging eyes.

Then again I really fucking hate the word "trannie", especially from people who aren't trans* identified. I mean he's sort of my friend/acquaintance, and still is I suppose. And he apologized later, and I'm not about to hold something against someone they say 'cause they're shitty wasted. I've been there. But still.

Fucking A

Maybe it's best to just joke about the homo stuff for the moment and leave the trans* stuff out. I dunno. More on this later. Need to think about it.

Anyway. Tangent Over. Back to awesomeness.

(This was actually posted on the wall of my barracks at military school. Flawless victory.)

I finally scheduled an appointment for laser hair removal on my face. Which is absolutely epic. It's relatively cheap  from what I can tell ($150 per session, for four sessions), and almost literally right next to my house. I can walk there. I don't know why I was never able to find this place before with all my googling.

I mean it's a legit dermatology clinic, and you have to licensed to use the equipment they're going to use, so I'm not going to show-up pay 150 bones and have them just shine a little laser pointer on my face and tell me
I'm good to go.

It's going to be so nice to wake up in the morning and not be immediately dysphoric because I have to shave these nasty fucking pube hairs growing out of my face. I can't wait. My first appointment is on the 11th, at 4:20, which gives me interesting ideas on how I might be able to deal with the pain, (although I hear it's not too bad).

Oh, and I got my lip pierced yesterday! I always feel so fucking shwanky when I get new peircings. It's like a little switch. Swag on. Fucking exciting. I really like it, although my lip is swollen as hell right now, and it's sore as shit.

Also exciting news, I got a kitty!!!

(Created by billions of years of evolution, the sleek and deadly killing machine, in the flesh.)

His name is J'zargo (if you get the reference there's a good chance we can probably be best friends). He was a stray, but now he's my own little babykins, and I love him dearly. 

He's absolutely adorable.

And also batshit insane.

He tries to pounce on EVERYTHING. He does midair flips when playing. And he cuddles with me at night. And falls asleep in my lap, and in boxes. I can't stop trying to take pictures of him with my webcam.

My girlfriend keeps on telling me I'm gonna turn into a crazy cat lady.

(You'll notice that eventually regardless of how cute a girl is you'll eventually stop giving a shit and not want to hear about her fucking cat anymore. Shamelessly stolen from Dmitri Martin)

Speaking of which. New news, I have a girlfriend now. She's fucking terrific. I mean we've been kind of sort of dating, but now it's official. Happy feelings all around. I mean. God, she's beautiful. And smart. And makes me laugh. And is shamelessly adorable. And she considers me her girlfriend without a second thought. 

To be pretty honest, she's pretty much all around super awesome.

There's just a ridiculous number of good things about her. Like how since we both identify as pansexual and point out attractive people to each other. Or how we cuddle. Or paint our nails together. Or how we talk about everything.

Fuck. I'm gushing. 

But yeah, ANYWAY. Awesome week. Hopefully it continues. Now that I finally have money from my student loans I can go for realsies grocery shopping, and I've been craving jalapenos like a motherfucker. Weirdness. I think I'm gonna see if my roommates mom can trim my hair since I haven't had a cut since I shaved it completely in February (yes purging is pretty terrible, and yes, I looked like a neo-nazi. The uniform didn't help). Apparently she cuts hair. So awesome sauce. Anyways. I promised a shitty drunk picture of myself from new years. That didn't really happen, so it will have to wait. In the meantime here's me and little Jazzy cuddling (J'zargo's nickname is Jazzy, apparently it's a hard to remember for people not well versed in Khajiit names.)

(Not sure I pull of that fashion mullet as well as Tegan and Sara :P)

Week Five

So Christmas has just passed, and 2011, as well as winter break from school is rapidly coming to an end, Which means a bunch of friends are coming back to the lovely little college town I live in to drink with me. Oh, and school.

Which is awesome.

Anyways, word vomit from the week.

Starting with fun HRT stuff; Let me preface this with the fact I haven't actually put on any additional weight (although I'm read quite a bit of anecdotal evidence that E usually means weight-gain, so it's probably coming)

I feel like I'm starting to fit into my jeans a bit differently. They're seeming a bit tighter, which means apparently my ass is getting larger. To be completely honest I'm not sure it really is. It's likely just my imagination, but luckily for me, that's why I keep pretty regular body measurements so I'll be able to say whether or not it really is in two weeks or so.

My abs are also no-longer is the 6-pack it once was. It's quite a bit more fleshy. I mean I don't have a gut or anything but it's just sort of a bit more flat. I'm not sure if that's from fat beginning to redistribute itself, not actually having worked out for almost 9 months, or me gaining fat and at the same time losing muscle, keeping my weight the same. Most likely a combination of all three. I mean I definately still have a dudely looking stomach, but it's an interesting change.

My chest is also starting to appear to be shaped a bit differently. It's hard to put into words. It still hurts like hell, but that's definitely getting a little more fleshy too. Which, not going to lie, I'm super-stoked about. Who doesn't like boobs? But I don't think I qualify to have anything placed into a cup-size.

Emotions are really just continued craziness. Everything is so much more extremely intense than it was before, but in a really awesome way. I mean I really can't complain. Even being sad is better than pre-hrt.

I'm getting weirdly really super-excited about small things. Like something cool happening on a show, or getting a heart container playing zelda has me jumping around my room with happiness.  Which is really cool. Happiness is always a plus.

And (family, look away) my sex drive seems to be returning. Might get a bit TMI here, but after getting on testosterone blockers you realize how much that chemical really just makes you want to HUMP EVERYTHING. And that feeling pretty much just disappears after you're on T-blockers. I mean don't get me wrong, I still got aroused, but it took a lot more to get me there, and didn't just sort of happen randomly, while I was making eggs or something. Since starting estrogen, my sex drive seems to be slowly returning but arousal is definately a different sort of feeling. It's difficult to put into words, and I could probably write a whole post about it, but it's much more of a whole body sort of feeling rather than concentrated wholly in the pelvic region. Which is pretty awesome.

ANYWAY, switching gears slighty.

I've  made a new record for bursting into tears at the most innocent thing: Sitting at my computer and this song coming on.

(Although to be fair, it's an absolutely beautiful song by a terrific band)

So yeah emotions. Crazy shit.

Christmas with my family went pretty awesomely if I do say so myself. I mean my family doesn't use my preferred name or pronouns or anything, but the highlight of my Christmas (aside from seeing my little brothers unwrap there presents, and then me subsequently stealing all their toys and playing with them) was seeing my name on Christmas gifts from my wonderful sisters, and even on about half my gifts from my parents, which was pretty huge for me, and really meant a lot.

It was also really terrific to see my lovely oldest sister, Taylor, and her wonderful husband, Dom, which doesn't happen enough, since he's in the army and they live together way down in the far away land of North Carolina.

After Christmas didn't go so well though. I had a bit of a falling out with my mother, which sucks. But I'm pretty confident it won't last too long. I know she cares a lot for me, but for the time being, I guess we're not really talking, which is pretty saddening. I wish they didn't, I suppose these things happen.

I am incredibly excited for New years though. Friends are coming back, school is starting back up, all sorts of fun shit. And the beautiful girl I'm talking to is finally coming back. Sempur stoked.

I'll probably do an actual New Years post, hopefully before midnight tomorrow, but if not then probably on New years day, because there definitely is some stuff I'd like to get into writing about 2011 and the new year, but this post seems to be plenty long enough as is. I'll try to get an awful drunken photo of myself to post on the internet tomorrow.

Toodles

1 Month!

So today marks the 1 month anniversary of when I started hormones.

So initial impressions?

Female hormones are awesome. 

For physical changes, bear in mind I was on spironolactone (testosterone blockers) for about 2 months before I started.

So then, gory details, which may, or may not end up being more information than you bargained for.

When I went in to the endocrinologist to start full hrt I already had the beginning of breast buds, these hard little nasty things under the nipple that are the beginning of breast development. In this first month, they've gotten quite a bit bigger and a hell of a lot more sensitive. And I still haven't quite adjusted to them.

For example I'll open up a door and slightly swipe them with it. And goddamn it hurts. I mean holy shit. It's not quite as bad as being kicked in the dangly bits, but it still hurts like a motherfucker.

They also poke through shirts in a weird, really unattractive way. Layers are a positive. Let me just say I'm pretty glad it's winter. It's just weird because there's no actual breast development happening, although I know that's on the way.

My skin also feels much softer than it did a month ago. Especially on my face. I still haven't gotten facial hair removal (next on my list of things to do transition wise, and laser will probably happen sometime in January), but it has thinned out significantly. Which is strange because most trans* resources say that hormones don't affect facial hair growth. 

Body Hair is definitely thinning though, which is fantastic because it means I don't have to shave my legs daily, which is a near impossible task.

And while I don't have any way to measure this objectively, I feel like my sense of smell is improving. That is probably more likely due quitting smoking than from hormones though. (I quit about the same time that I started HRT)

I also have a little tape measure and have been keeping measurements of myself, because I know the human mind likes to make up evidence where there isn't any. The only real changes in so far as measurements go in the past month is that I've lost a bit off my waist, which is probably more due to diet than anything else.

Mental Changes have been much crazier in this first month than physical. I go into detail about them on my Week Three Update.

Basically I'm just a lot more emotional about everything.

One weird thing is that I think I need to relearn how to handle stress. I was always pretty cool-headed before being on hormones but that's changed quite a bit. Maybe it's because I'm more involved and invested emotionally in the world around me, but for example my house started flooding today because the temperature-pressure valve on my hot water tank was broken.

I didn't know this at the time.

I just saw water pouring out of it like a faucet and flipped shit. I had no idea what I was doing and was worried this was going to cost me a metric shitton of money (which it shouldn't, thank eight-pound, six ounce, baby Jesus), and by the time I figured out that hey, I should just shut off the water valve, and by the end of it, I was shaking. So yeah, I need to figure out a way to deal with stress in a manner that doesn't involve breaking down.

Scary movies are also immensely more entertaining. I freaked the fuck out watching "The Descent". Which was sort of fun. But also terrifying. I really don't like things popping out at me, more-so now than ever. But it's like riding a rollercoaster.

And I'm also getting bad cravings, for chocolate mostly (stereotypical, I know) but also for strange things, like for example I was really craving some jalapeno cheetos earlier today.

I feel a lot more childish, and care-free as well if that makes sense. I'm smiling a lot more. I'm quite a bit more expressive. My body language has changed pretty significantly. This is probably more of me being comfortable with myself than an actual effect of hormones though. It's a wonder what self-acceptance can do for you.

The biggest emotional change though, is that I dysphoric a lot less frequently than I did before I was on hormones, which is really awesome.

I definitely react stronger to dysphoria when I do though, and it tends to hit me a lot quicker.

For example I was having a great day earlier this week. I had moments where I looked at my reflection and thought "Fuck yeah, this is coming along nicely". And then I got home, saw my reflection out of the corner of my eye, and spent the next half-hour crying into a pillow and then another good long time talking to my lovely lady-friend who helped me through everything. But yeah crazy mood swings.

All I can say is that it's really awesome having people you know you can talk to. Anyway, this post was mostly just rambling, but here's a picture of me drunk off my ass at a Christmas party earlier this week, so you can sort of see how I'm changing. (And this one has make-up, which is always exciting)

(I'm on the right, with one of my best friends on the left, and coincidentally this is my first explicitly female presenting picture on facebook and it's also my profile picture, which is kind of awesome.)

Anyway, more next week, provided I survive the craziness that is the holidays. Stay Frosty.

Week Three Update

So this is pretty late, but I have a legitimate excuse! My power has been out for two days for circumstances beyond my control. And I've been working. So sorry.

Onto transition stuff.

I really don't have much in the way of new physical changes to report.

My chest still hurts like hell, body hair still seems like it's thinning out and my skin seems softer. Nothing different from last week.

More and more I can't wait until I get laser. I really hate my facial hair, I have shaving, I hate it being prickly. It makes me self-conscious even though I rarely, if ever, actually attempt to present as explicitly female in public right now.

Not a good situation.  Do not want.

Facial hair on actual dudes can be pretty sexy, but not on me. I just want it off.

(Example 1, although it definitely doesn't hurt that he has super pretty eyes)

And that same policy extends towards muscles,

(With exceptions. Goddamn, the things I would do.)

But the whole facial hair situation should be fixable with laser, and subsequently electrolysis, once I get my refund check for winter quarter (Hurray for student loans).

So yeah, not much in the way of physical changes to report at the moment.

My emotions, on the other hand, are doing crazy things right now.

I hate that it sounds so stereotypical, but I'm crying to things that I wouldn't have ever batted an eye at 3 weeks ago.

Prior to starting hormones I cried maybe, three or four times over the course of the last 4 years. I didn't get involved in anything emotionally, with the exception of a few fights I've had.

I didn't give a fuck.

And not in a cool, "yeah I was a badass who walked away from explosions without looking back at them" way. It was much more of an "I was an emotional cripple way"

FOR EXAMPLE

When my dog, Sam, that I had raised from a puppy and loved with all my heart, died, I didn't cry. Didn't even acknowledge it. Basically, I was an emotionless asshole.

(Oh Sam, stock photos do not do you justice, even if they do look exactly like you. You were the greatest thing ever.)

But now? Jesus-Goat-Fucking-Christ. 

I can't help but tear up when I happen across a sad song. My emotions simply respond to everything.

Sappy shit? Nostalgic shit? Adorable shit?

That's my jam right now. I am eating it up.

Fuck.

I cried while re-watching Lord of the Rings because it was suddenly obvious that Frodo and Sam are actually madly in love with one another, and have the most adorable perfect romance ever.

(Try and tell me they don't make the most adorable couple)

So yeah, that's the upside  of all this emotional stuff.

It swings both ways though. I'm reacting to real life in ways that I never would have before.

It probably doesn't help that I spent a solid portion of Tuesday afternoon, and most of Wednesday night arguing with my parents about trans* stuff, especially me transitioning. (And apparently they read this blog now, which kind of terrifies me)

But when my mom says something about how she's worried that I'm "going to be a mockery of women" that means me immediately on the verge of tears, instead of just being able to brush it off as bullshit.

Which doesn't really help me argue my case a whole lot.

So yeah. The emotional roller coaster that I've heard and read so much about is currently leaving the station. Please keep all hands and feet inside at all times. Have a fun ride.


As far as awesome things happening in my life right now that are only nominally trans* related, I've got a seasonal job as one of those people that stands outside of malls for the Salvation Army as a bell ringer, through a friend of my mom.

This is sort of weird for me, considering that the Salvation Army is super religious and super homo/trans*-phobic.

But, being a poor college student trying to finance transition, I don't have much in the way of options here, so I'm just gonna swallow my pride, take off my nail-polish, wear a nice conservative button-down, and stand in the cold for a few hours a day.

At least it's nice to know that I'm gonna be financially stable until my loans come through.

Anyway, my next HRT update will mean I've officially been on hormones for one month. Which is super awesome. Go me.

Blog Changes

So I've decided to make a sort of weekly post on Sundays or Mondays, just as sort of a stream on consciousness, "This is how transition is going, here are a few things on my mind" sort of thing. I figure this will help me out tremendously in keeping this blog updated because I'm awful at remembering to do things unless they are scheduled.

This part is intended as sort of a public diary, in order to catalog my transition in addition to random thoughts, or pieces I write on trans*and/or queer issues, as well as, thoughts on transitioning.

Because of that, I'm intending for these sorts of weekly updates to be written and published in a first draft sort of manner, rather than be subject to any sorts of revision, so I can get glimpses at my thought processes during transition.

Note: I've actually already been doing this, but this is sort of a public pledge to continue to do so for accountability reasons, as well as to sort of explain my process a bit.

Week 2: The Electric Boogaloo

Well today marks the second week of HRT for me.

Aside from what little breast development I have (mostly just soreness, itchiness and, poking through shirts), there are very few things that have changed that I can definitively say are from HRT.

It would be nice if I could just blame everything on hormones. Oh I'm hungry, must be hormonal. Oh I'm not hungry must be hormones. I'm really craving some ranch dressing right now, must be hormones. That movie moment that I would have laughed at a year ago now has me in tears. Must be hormones.

More likely I'm just hungry because I haven't eaten since yesterday. I want ranch dressing because I find it fucking delicious. It may very well be that I'm tearing up because I'm not the emotional cripple I was a year ago.

I tried sprinting up a steep hill the other day. When I was going to the military college and weighed 170 pounds of mostly muscle this would have been no problem, I could do it in my sleep. But nope not now, must be hormones.

Or more realistically I couldn't because I've been a smoker for the last 10 months before starting HRT and I've also been placing myself on a low-protein diet to cut down on muscle growth, and I now weigh about 20 pounds less than I did when I was capable of doing a twelve minute two mile.Sure the testosterone blockers that I've been on for 3 months probably played a significant role in reducing my muscle mass and preventing the growth of new muscle mass, but I really can't know how much.

I guess what I really have to force myself to think about is that changes from HRT are an incredibly gradual process.

Also that under no conditions should I throw out the thoughts that tell me to ask "Is this causation or just correlation".

I'm am truly excited about changes. I've been wanting this explicitly for almost a year, and as a sort of vague, I'm not really a boy, but definitely more of girl for most of my conscious life. No-one is more excited about changes from HRT than me. But I do have to account for reality, and recognize that hormones, while powerful, are not in fact magic, and work slowly according to biological principles.

More updates in the future.

One Week on HRT

So I've been on HRT for one week today.

Prior to HRT I was on just testosterone blockers for a little under 3 months.

Spiro calmed me down, made my mind race less and made me feel a bit better. I was still living with daily dysphoria, but things were better.

Being on estrogen is all of that and more. It's almost indescribable. It might just be that the novelty is still there, but I've got a bounce to my step. I feel more like "ME" in a way that isn't really conveyable by words. I smile more, and there's a measurable decrease in the amount of dysphoria I feel. I feel more empathetic. Color seems brighter,  and I notice it more. I smile more.

Life is just better. 

It almost feels a bit like I've watching TV in black and white and then BAM.  Estrogen turns on the color. And then makes everything high definition.  

Again though this might not be due just to the hormones themselves; me knowing that I'm finally transitioning medically is bound to have positive psychological effects, so your mileage may vary.

But damn does it feel nice!

I've read a lot that says for most MtF spectrum trans* people being on hormones makes the lows lower and the highs higher. I've only felt the latter though. Luckily I'm not really going through ridiculous mood swings right now, which ordinarily are made even more extreme by taking progesterone, which I'm on. I'm sure they're on their way though. For the most part it's just been good vibes all the way down.

As far as physical changes go ( and bear in mind that this is also the result of 3 months on spiro, but full HRT does seem to have accelerated everything), my skin on my face feels a bit softer, the little mosquito bites on my chest are sore as hell, and poke through thin t-shirts, which is about normal for early stages of breast growth. Body and facial hair, has thinned out quite a bit, and grows quite a bit slower.

I'm also still losing quite a bit of muscle and currently weigh about 150lb-155lb at 5'10", and the vast majority of what was lost was muscle. I'm hoping to keep on losing weight and get down to 140ish, which is typically about a healthy body weight for cis-gendered females at my height.  From what I've heard is incredibly difficult to lose weight while on HRT, but well see. With the exception of the whole male-bodied thing I'm pretty good at making my body do what I want, and have put on muscle, lost muscle, put on weight and lost weight before. 

Also it might be psychosomatic but I feel like my face looks a bit "softer"? I'm not sure how to describe it.

Anyway

Here is a quick webcam photo I took. 

I think that it will probably be very interesting to see this photo in a year or two, if other internet transition timelines are anything to go by.

More updates later