Metapost

I've been on holiday from this blog for a while for a couple of personal reasons. As someone who is constantly trying her hardest to avoid feelings at all cost, I felt like this blog was becoming too much of a feelings blog. 

What can I say, I grew up during a time when livejournal was an object of ridicule. 

In order to increase my frequency of post while also giving me a place to vent I think I'm going to make an effort to do a shorter post, while also expanding the scope of this blog to also encompass my general ideas on queer issues. 

I do want make it clear that my views on identity are constantly evolving. At the same time I really hope that if I do make a misstep then people will call me out on it so that I can update my beliefs to better reflect reality.

Don't Worry, Still Alive

Class and other various responsibilities has been kicking my ass for the past, fuck I don't know, pretty much since I last posted almost a month ago. Add onto that I haven't had a computer for over a month because the pins on my cpu were bent because the cpu fan got jostled so I needed to buy a new cpu and install it and you've got a fun combination leading to a lack of posting.

Anyway, not a whole ton of this is actually trans* related, it's just sort of a stream of consciousness bitchfest about my life, so take it with a grain of salt.

My classes are fun, and pretty interesting. I feel like I'm actually delving into real engineering more so than I have in the past, although in many ways it's not quite there. I'm looking at a million different engineering related projects I want to do, but I can't see how I'll ever have time for. Like put together a team, get a grant and build a reprap with grant funding from the college of engineering, and maybe design a wireless communication system for it. Or making and selling vaporizers to the local stores in town to get some extra money. learning matlab scripting, autocad, and muiltisim in more meaningful ways than the bullshit we do in my freshman level class. Or working on the million bio-medical engineering ideas I have. I could probably patent quite a few ideas, but I have no idea how the fuck that process works, or criteria for what fulfills a patent. Actually doing design.

But I also have a million social justice things going on to. I'm the co-representative of a trans* advocacy group that growing and become more mature with every meeting. We're doing things like cataloging all the gender neutral bathrooms on campus. We're putting together educational flyers, figuring out printing, and trying to put information out there, all trying to advocate for trans* people on campus. This is a shitton of work.

I also have class obligations for grades and am currently in the application process for a job that will keep me financially stable for the next 3 years, and the grades and certification I get from my classes which is usually seen as "the reason" people go to college, so they can get a mediocre mind-numbing office job that pay decently so they can get a nice white picket fence, pop out children for a while and then die at 80 of a heart attack are a distraction from what I want to do.

I want to actually do things, and maybe children in the long term might not be a bad idea, but I don't want that to be the sole contribution I make to the world. This sounds lame as fuck, but it's true: but I want to work towards fundamentally changing the world in positive and progressive ways whether that's through social advocacy and change, or through helping the world by developing useful technologies, or through a combination of the two, or something else entirely. I could give two shits about money, outside of not starving, and being able to afford the things and tools I need in order to continue what I want to do. I don't care about my grades, outside of having them good enough to get past gate-keeping mechanisms, like getting into grad school and whatnot. I care about learning useful information from my classes that will let me do what I want to do, and accomplish what I want accomplish. Grades, certification, and money are a means to end, not the end itself, and I feel like a lot of people my age simply do not grasp that.

I've got a million responsibilities, and sometimes I feel super-overwhelmed. Getting organized has helped me a lot. I've got a little planner that is filled to the brim each week with all the shit I have to get done. I have little 30 mg tablets of vyvnase, an ADD drug, which helps keep me focused. I've got strategies for studying and learning, and philosophies for processing and incorporating new knowledge, but I get so much on my plate. I don't want to narrow myself in anyway because as Richard Heinlein once said "

The "Wrong" Body

There's a common narrative in many trans* stories about being born "in the wrong body", or a being a woman in man's body, or vis versa. This has been exacerbated, and in some part perpetuated, by medical gate-keeping communities. (A shrink might say "Oh your story doesn't quite match up with everyone elses? No hormones for you." so what does the trans* person trying to get on hormones say? Exactly what the shrink wants hear.)
That's not to say that's the "wrong" trans* narrative. If that fits for you, then by all means use that to make sense of your identity.

But it's never really fit for me personally.

So I'm a pretty narcissistic person (understatement of the century).

I love mirrors as well as pictures of myself, but probably not for the reasons that one would expect.

I use these to gauge myself. To see how much of the person looking back at me is "me"

Usually it's not a lot. If I tilt my head a certain way, put on the right make-up, wear the right clothes and stand in specific ways, and the lighting is right, and planets are aligned, then I can almost begin to seethe person looking back at me as "me".
Pictures of me "in the wild" almost never are actually of me.

They're someone else. I remember getting the pictures taken, and I saw through the eyes of the person that was in that picture, but that was never me.

It was a puppet. I moved the strings, but the puppet was never me. Certainly mine, but never me.

This idea of ownership as well as identification I think is at the heart of dysphoria for myself.

When I look at a picture like this

Anybody who knows me would tell me that is me. But it doesn't feel that way for me. I mean technically, yes, It's me. But it feels like a puppet. A costume.

It's not a matter of poor body image. I dare say I was a pretty attractive person as a guy. I was fairly built, and didn't have any problem gaining muscle. I have a pretty good complexion and personally I think my eyes are pretty. (I told you I was narcissistic.) From the point of view of someone whose attracted to all sexes, dissociating myself from the fact that was a picture of my body, I think the guy in that picture is pretty attractive, and probably more so than I am now, presenting as a girl.

But that picture isn't me. I don't see that and see myself. That's not my body. That's not who I am. That's could just as well be some dude. But when I see that my brain has to mentally grapple with the fact that IS me.

And that's dysphoria for me.

It's not the wrong body. It's certainly mine. But it's not an indescribable "me". I don't see myself. I see a puppet.

Transitioning has and continues to make a huge difference. I can look in the mirror and seeing myself looking back at me rather than some puppet isn't a fleeting experience any longer.

It still requires some illusion, If I'm not wearing make-up or somewhat girly clothes the costume looks like it's back.

But I see photos like this that were taken as recently as this week:

 

And I see myself.

It's not perfect. I'm still transitioning. But that's an infinitely better representation of me than the last picture. Those photos are spaced at most seven or so months apart.

A lot can change in seven or so, and I'm curious about the next seven or so months.

And I'm hungry for more pictures. More pictures of me. 

I want to get know me better.

But also I want to show me to other people. I want my parents, my classmates and my sisters, my friends, and acquaintances, my lover, to all see me, and recognize me, not as some costume or puppet

But as me. 

As Natalie.

Because it makes a world of difference.

Trans* Coming Out Letter to Professors

So here's the letter I said I would post, hopefully it will be helpful to someone. Again I stole it from somewhere on tumblr (if someone knows the source feel free to leave it in the comments!), and modified it to suite my purposes. Things in bold, are probably things you need to change to fit your situation. I changed the letter somewhat to protect privacy, but otherwise this is the exact letter I sent to most my professors, and received all very positive responses.



Dear Prof. Last name

My name is Natalie lastname. I will be taking your Intro to ECE Design course and lab this quarter (EE103 on MWF from 11-12 and the lab is on Thurday 3-5). I am writing because I have a unique situation that I feel you should be aware of. On your roster, my name appears as "LEGAL NAME". That is my full and legal name, however, I go by the name "Natalie lastname". Please do not misunderstand that this is merely a matter of preference. I am a transgender individual, and therefore, being addressed as my proper name and use of female (she/her) pronouns is essential to my academic success and personal well-being. I would greatly appreciate if you would kindly respect my name and use female (she/her) pronouns, starting with roll call on the first day (If you do that) so that there is less confusion for the other students. I will also be signing my papers as Natalie lastname, so if you could either let your grader know (if you have a TA who does that), or send me their email so I can forward them the same message that would be great! Please do not hesitate to e-mail me back if you have any questions or need me to clarify this further.  Thank you in advance, and I am looking forward to the first day of class.


Respectfully,


Natalie lastname

Again hopes this helps someone out somewhere. Cheers.

Stereotypical post after long break

So yeah, I'm still alive and still posting

Queue excuses for why I haven't posted in about a month.

My computer died for about 3 weeks, and I had to replace the fan, heatsink and thermal paste on the cpu. Due to her death and rebirth her name is now Lazarus. And I repaired her all by myself too, which made me feel like a big grown up girl. Go me.

Finals week was also hectic (not really I only had three exams) but I'll go ahead and keep saying it was. Got a 3.05 this quarter though so I guess it went decently, and got around my goal GPA for each quarter which is a 3.0 or above.

I've also spent all my time this break playing mass effect 3 and Skyrim, and hanging out with my roommates on my roof, which is sort of a quintessential way to spend spring break in my humble opinion.

(Seriously, who doesn't want to kill alien invaders as a bad ass starship captain?) 

But yeah really the only reason I haven't posted in a month is because I'm a lazy fuck. You're going to have to deal with that. You know, I have to deal with my lazy fuckery on a daily basis you know. How do you think that makes me feel? It's not all about you. God. (It's obviously all about me)

Joke.

Anyway. News.

So I just got my fourth month of hormones. Shits chugging along quite nicely. My body is definately still going through some pretty radical changes, my chest and ass are getting bigger, and I seem more slim (Although that may be more from malnutrition because I'm a poor-ass college student) My face also seems to be changing more, but that's more of my face looks different from 3 months ago, rather than my face looks different from last week.

I suppose that I'll be going full time next week (I sort of have already?), which is kind of a big thing

I mean the only change is that I'll be dressing to go to class and work the same way I want to dress when I'm hanging out around the house, or going the various queer meetings I go to.

I mean it's weird because when I say I'm going full time that doesn't necessarily mean what I think a lot of people thinks it means. I'm still going to be behaving the same goofy way I always do, it's just I'll have make-up on and hopefully strangers will get my pronouns right, and not ask me what my "real name" is (It's fucking Natalie. My name is Natalie, Nat, Natty, Natattack, whatever the fuck you want to call me so long as it's at least tangentially related to my real fucking name: Natalie, okay?)

I sent emails to all my professors though, I'd figure I'd post it up on here (I had originally stole it from tumblr, and then modified it to suit my purposes) because the orginal template is really formal and well done. I've gotten emails back from all but one of my professors, and the responses have all been positive, especially in my RA training class, which is the big thing that needed to happen. If one of my engineering proffesors is a dick, then I can deal with that, but if my RA training instructors are going to discriminate against me, then we have problem, because that's affecting me getting a job.

But yeah.

I'm not really nervous. I mean I'm going to be nervous about particular things. Like are these shorts too short and showing off my manly ass legs and going to affect me passing. Will wearing this shirt get me hatecrimed because my shoulders are obviously too massive to fit in it, that sort of bullshit.

But viewing it as a whole I don't really see anything to be worried about. My campus is liberal as hell, and I don't know a single person on a first name basis who doesn't already know. I'm pretty out, which is pretty awesome.

Honestly I'm just excited for Heidi to get back to me after being away for an entire week (Egads!? A whole week!? How did you survive!? I bet you're asking yourself right now), and for class to start.

Other cools news. Our band Much Much More (You should like us facebook, there's a good chance that will cause world peace, and personal happiness in your life.) is doing 3 gigs in April so here's to a busy month! With luck I'll try to get some video of one so I can post it up here.  

So I was going to wax on rhapsodical about my life a bit more but this is already long as fuck. So here's a picture of myself from today.

(Yes, my room is janky as fuck. Yes that is a christmas wreathe, and my dresser is broken, and I only have one curtain. This is why my life is awesome.)

Have a lovely day.

A little post.

So sometimes I really need bitch.

Okay. Let's be honest. I bitch about things ALOT.

(I can't help myself. It gets me everytime)

But sometimes its nice to look at the positives.

And my life is super awesome right now.

I'm on hormones and transitioning to who I want to be. Changes are becoming apparent. I get to dress up the way I want to.

I have a great group of friends who I hang out with.

A community that accepts me.

A girlfriend who I'm madly crazy in love with, whose in love with me.

I'm in line to have a dream job for the next few years, and provided I get it I won't have to worry about money until I graduate. 

I'm going to school for something I love, taking classes I enjoy.

I live in a sweet house with great roommates.

I'm in a fucking band, making money, for making music. And loving every minute.

Life is fucking awesome.

When I first came out, and the months after, while still at military school, and a lot of the summer afterwards I was in a really terrible place. I didn't' think things would improve.

I'd be pleased to see myself now.

I wish I could go back and tell me life's gonna be great, just hang in there.

Because I didn't have too much in the way of hope.

Because now life is fantastic.

That is all.

I fucking got it.

I received the best email while in not necessarily in the best state of mind this Friday. After rereading it a few times and then making my girlfriend read it to make sure I was reading it right I flipped my shit.

Here's the email.

Subject: Congratulations-RA Process-Continue on to take class

Dear [old name]:

I am writing on behalf of the Paraprofessional Selection Team of the Department of Residential Housing.  After reviewing the feedback by those who you interviewed with, I am happy to extend to you an invitation to enroll in EDCP 400. Enrollment in EDCP 400 is required for all RA candidates who wish to be considered for an RA position. The class is taught by current Residential Housing staff and provides training for RA candidates.   

As the next step in your candidacy, you must register for one of the sections of EDCP 400 that is designated “For Students in the RA Training Program.”  When those class sections are available for registration you will receive another email with instructions on the registration process.  

Basically I got the RA job. Almost.

I need to do this class. And qualifying for being the resident adviser for gender neutral housing is going to be a competition, but the interview part was definitely going to be hardest part of the selections process.

So yeah. Provided I don't royally fuck up this next quarter then I should be set for the next few years as far as education is concerned.

I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with my cat J'zargo (He's most likely going to be taken by my girlfriend, or I'll leave him for my roommate to have, if he wants him.)

This weekend was fucking ridiculously awesome though.

Friday night was spent playing a gig which went really well, and then with friends, hanging out at the house. I got the gf a hookah for her birthday, which she seemed to really enjoy. And then we headed to her aunts house (who is really cool) to celebrate her 21st birthday.

Awkwardness ensured when we went to her conservatives grandparents house though. (Who pretty much raised her, and don't know she is actually really really gay, and dating my trans* ass.) 

It didn't help that I was wearing her dinosaur hoodie the whole time. (This thing is comfy and badass and purple all at the same time) 

Or that one of my friends not so subtly mentioned queer prom in the car with her grandfather.

But there weren't any real crises, and her grandparents are still relatively in the dark, so the trip ended positively.

Winning.