Class and other various responsibilities has been kicking my ass for the past, fuck I don't know, pretty much since I last posted almost a month ago. Add onto that I haven't had a computer for over a month because the pins on my cpu were bent because the cpu fan got jostled so I needed to buy a new cpu and install it and you've got a fun combination leading to a lack of posting.
Anyway, not a whole ton of this is actually trans* related, it's just sort of a stream of consciousness bitchfest about my life, so take it with a grain of salt.
My classes are fun, and pretty interesting. I feel like I'm actually delving into real engineering more so than I have in the past, although in many ways it's not quite there. I'm looking at a million different engineering related projects I want to do, but I can't see how I'll ever have time for. Like put together a team, get a grant and build a reprap with grant funding from the college of engineering, and maybe design a wireless communication system for it. Or making and selling vaporizers to the local stores in town to get some extra money. learning matlab scripting, autocad, and muiltisim in more meaningful ways than the bullshit we do in my freshman level class. Or working on the million bio-medical engineering ideas I have. I could probably patent quite a few ideas, but I have no idea how the fuck that process works, or criteria for what fulfills a patent. Actually doing design.
But I also have a million social justice things going on to. I'm the co-representative of a trans* advocacy group that growing and become more mature with every meeting. We're doing things like cataloging all the gender neutral bathrooms on campus. We're putting together educational flyers, figuring out printing, and trying to put information out there, all trying to advocate for trans* people on campus. This is a shitton of work.
I also have class obligations for grades and am currently in the application process for a job that will keep me financially stable for the next 3 years, and the grades and certification I get from my classes which is usually seen as "the reason" people go to college, so they can get a mediocre mind-numbing office job that pay decently so they can get a nice white picket fence, pop out children for a while and then die at 80 of a heart attack are a distraction from what I want to do.
I want to actually do things, and maybe children in the long term might not be a bad idea, but I don't want that to be the sole contribution I make to the world. This sounds lame as fuck, but it's true: but I want to work towards fundamentally changing the world in positive and progressive ways whether that's through social advocacy and change, or through helping the world by developing useful technologies, or through a combination of the two, or something else entirely. I could give two shits about money, outside of not starving, and being able to afford the things and tools I need in order to continue what I want to do. I don't care about my grades, outside of having them good enough to get past gate-keeping mechanisms, like getting into grad school and whatnot. I care about learning useful information from my classes that will let me do what I want to do, and accomplish what I want accomplish. Grades, certification, and money are a means to end, not the end itself, and I feel like a lot of people my age simply do not grasp that.
I've got a million responsibilities, and sometimes I feel super-overwhelmed. Getting organized has helped me a lot. I've got a little planner that is filled to the brim each week with all the shit I have to get done. I have little 30 mg tablets of vyvnase, an ADD drug, which helps keep me focused. I've got strategies for studying and learning, and philosophies for processing and incorporating new knowledge, but I get so much on my plate. I don't want to narrow myself in anyway because as Richard Heinlein once said "
Monday, April 30, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The "Wrong" Body
There's a common narrative in many trans* stories about being born "in the wrong body", or a being a woman in man's body, or vis versa. This has been exacerbated, and in some part perpetuated, by medical gate-keeping communities. (A shrink might say "Oh your story doesn't quite match up with everyone elses? No hormones for you." so what does the trans* person trying to get on hormones say? Exactly what the shrink wants hear.)
That's not to say that's the "wrong" trans* narrative. If that fits for you, then by all means use that to make sense of your identity.
But it's never really fit for me personally.
So I'm a pretty narcissistic person (understatement of the century).
I love mirrors as well as pictures of myself, but probably not for the reasons that one would expect.
I use these to gauge myself. To see how much of the person looking back at me is "me"
Usually it's not a lot. If I tilt my head a certain way, put on the right make-up, wear the right clothes and stand in specific ways, and the lighting is right, and planets are aligned, then I can almost begin to seethe person looking back at me as "me".
Pictures of me "in the wild" almost never are actually of me.
They're someone else. I remember getting the pictures taken, and I saw through the eyes of the person that was in that picture, but that was never me.
It was a puppet. I moved the strings, but the puppet was never me. Certainly mine, but never me.
This idea of ownership as well as identification I think is at the heart of dysphoria for myself.
When I look at a picture like this
Anybody who knows me would tell me that is me. But it doesn't feel that way for me. I mean technically, yes, It's me. But it feels like a puppet. A costume.
It's not a matter of poor body image. I dare say I was a pretty attractive person as a guy. I was fairly built, and didn't have any problem gaining muscle. I have a pretty good complexion and personally I think my eyes are pretty. (I told you I was narcissistic.) From the point of view of someone whose attracted to all sexes, dissociating myself from the fact that was a picture of my body, I think the guy in that picture is pretty attractive, and probably more so than I am now, presenting as a girl.
But that picture isn't me. I don't see that and see myself. That's not my body. That's not who I am. That's could just as well be some dude. But when I see that my brain has to mentally grapple with the fact that IS me.
And that's dysphoria for me.
It's not the wrong body. It's certainly mine. But it's not an indescribable "me". I don't see myself. I see a puppet.
Transitioning has and continues to make a huge difference. I can look in the mirror and seeing myself looking back at me rather than some puppet isn't a fleeting experience any longer.
It still requires some illusion, If I'm not wearing make-up or somewhat girly clothes the costume looks like it's back.
But I see photos like this that were taken as recently as this week:
That's not to say that's the "wrong" trans* narrative. If that fits for you, then by all means use that to make sense of your identity.
But it's never really fit for me personally.
So I'm a pretty narcissistic person (understatement of the century).
I love mirrors as well as pictures of myself, but probably not for the reasons that one would expect.
I use these to gauge myself. To see how much of the person looking back at me is "me"
Usually it's not a lot. If I tilt my head a certain way, put on the right make-up, wear the right clothes and stand in specific ways, and the lighting is right, and planets are aligned, then I can almost begin to seethe person looking back at me as "me".
Pictures of me "in the wild" almost never are actually of me.
They're someone else. I remember getting the pictures taken, and I saw through the eyes of the person that was in that picture, but that was never me.
It was a puppet. I moved the strings, but the puppet was never me. Certainly mine, but never me.
This idea of ownership as well as identification I think is at the heart of dysphoria for myself.
When I look at a picture like this
Anybody who knows me would tell me that is me. But it doesn't feel that way for me. I mean technically, yes, It's me. But it feels like a puppet. A costume.
It's not a matter of poor body image. I dare say I was a pretty attractive person as a guy. I was fairly built, and didn't have any problem gaining muscle. I have a pretty good complexion and personally I think my eyes are pretty. (I told you I was narcissistic.) From the point of view of someone whose attracted to all sexes, dissociating myself from the fact that was a picture of my body, I think the guy in that picture is pretty attractive, and probably more so than I am now, presenting as a girl.
But that picture isn't me. I don't see that and see myself. That's not my body. That's not who I am. That's could just as well be some dude. But when I see that my brain has to mentally grapple with the fact that IS me.
And that's dysphoria for me.
It's not the wrong body. It's certainly mine. But it's not an indescribable "me". I don't see myself. I see a puppet.
Transitioning has and continues to make a huge difference. I can look in the mirror and seeing myself looking back at me rather than some puppet isn't a fleeting experience any longer.
It still requires some illusion, If I'm not wearing make-up or somewhat girly clothes the costume looks like it's back.
But I see photos like this that were taken as recently as this week:
And I see myself.
It's not perfect. I'm still transitioning. But that's an infinitely better representation of me than the last picture. Those photos are spaced at most seven or so months apart.
A lot can change in seven or so, and I'm curious about the next seven or so months.
And I'm hungry for more pictures. More pictures of me.
I want to get know me better.
But also I want to show me to other people. I want my parents, my classmates and my sisters, my friends, and acquaintances, my lover, to all see me, and recognize me, not as some costume or puppet
But as me.
As Natalie.
Because it makes a world of difference.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Trans* Coming Out Letter to Professors
So here's the letter I said I would post, hopefully it will be helpful to someone. Again I stole it from somewhere on tumblr (if someone knows the source feel free to leave it in the comments!), and modified it to suite my purposes. Things in bold, are probably things you need to change to fit your situation. I changed the letter somewhat to protect privacy, but otherwise this is the exact letter I sent to most my professors, and received all very positive responses.
Dear Prof. Last name
My name is Natalie lastname. I will be taking your Intro to ECE Design course and lab this quarter (EE103 on MWF from 11-12 and the lab is on Thurday 3-5). I am writing because I have a unique situation that I feel you should be aware of. On your roster, my name appears as "LEGAL NAME". That is my full and legal name, however, I go by the name "Natalie lastname". Please do not misunderstand that this is merely a matter of preference. I am a transgender individual, and therefore, being addressed as my proper name and use of female (she/her) pronouns is essential to my academic success and personal well-being. I would greatly appreciate if you would kindly respect my name and use female (she/her) pronouns, starting with roll call on the first day (If you do that) so that there is less confusion for the other students. I will also be signing my papers as Natalie lastname, so if you could either let your grader know (if you have a TA who does that), or send me their email so I can forward them the same message that would be great! Please do not hesitate to e-mail me back if you have any questions or need me to clarify this further. Thank you in advance, and I am looking forward to the first day of class.
Respectfully,
Natalie lastname
Dear Prof. Last name
My name is Natalie lastname. I will be taking your Intro to ECE Design course and lab this quarter (EE103 on MWF from 11-12 and the lab is on Thurday 3-5). I am writing because I have a unique situation that I feel you should be aware of. On your roster, my name appears as "LEGAL NAME". That is my full and legal name, however, I go by the name "Natalie lastname". Please do not misunderstand that this is merely a matter of preference. I am a transgender individual, and therefore, being addressed as my proper name and use of female (she/her) pronouns is essential to my academic success and personal well-being. I would greatly appreciate if you would kindly respect my name and use female (she/her) pronouns, starting with roll call on the first day (If you do that) so that there is less confusion for the other students. I will also be signing my papers as Natalie lastname, so if you could either let your grader know (if you have a TA who does that), or send me their email so I can forward them the same message that would be great! Please do not hesitate to e-mail me back if you have any questions or need me to clarify this further. Thank you in advance, and I am looking forward to the first day of class.
Respectfully,
Natalie lastname
Again hopes this helps someone out somewhere. Cheers.
Stereotypical post after long break
So yeah, I'm still alive and still posting
Queue excuses for why I haven't posted in about a month.
My computer died for about 3 weeks, and I had to replace the fan, heatsink and thermal paste on the cpu. Due to her death and rebirth her name is now Lazarus. And I repaired her all by myself too, which made me feel like a big grown up girl. Go me.
Finals week was also hectic (not really I only had three exams) but I'll go ahead and keep saying it was. Got a 3.05 this quarter though so I guess it went decently, and got around my goal GPA for each quarter which is a 3.0 or above.
I've also spent all my time this break playing mass effect 3 and Skyrim, and hanging out with my roommates on my roof, which is sort of a quintessential way to spend spring break in my humble opinion.
But yeah really the only reason I haven't posted in a month is because I'm a lazy fuck. You're going to have to deal with that. You know, I have to deal with my lazy fuckery on a daily basis you know. How do you think that makes me feel? It's not all about you. God. (It's obviously all about me)
Joke.
Anyway. News.
So I just got my fourth month of hormones. Shits chugging along quite nicely. My body is definately still going through some pretty radical changes, my chest and ass are getting bigger, and I seem more slim (Although that may be more from malnutrition because I'm a poor-ass college student) My face also seems to be changing more, but that's more of my face looks different from 3 months ago, rather than my face looks different from last week.
I suppose that I'll be going full time next week (I sort of have already?), which is kind of a big thing
I mean the only change is that I'll be dressing to go to class and work the same way I want to dress when I'm hanging out around the house, or going the various queer meetings I go to.
I mean it's weird because when I say I'm going full time that doesn't necessarily mean what I think a lot of people thinks it means. I'm still going to be behaving the same goofy way I always do, it's just I'll have make-up on and hopefully strangers will get my pronouns right, and not ask me what my "real name" is (It's fucking Natalie. My name is Natalie, Nat, Natty, Natattack, whatever the fuck you want to call me so long as it's at least tangentially related to my real fucking name: Natalie, okay?)
I sent emails to all my professors though, I'd figure I'd post it up on here (I had originally stole it from tumblr, and then modified it to suit my purposes) because the orginal template is really formal and well done. I've gotten emails back from all but one of my professors, and the responses have all been positive, especially in my RA training class, which is the big thing that needed to happen. If one of my engineering proffesors is a dick, then I can deal with that, but if my RA training instructors are going to discriminate against me, then we have problem, because that's affecting me getting a job.
But yeah.
I'm not really nervous. I mean I'm going to be nervous about particular things. Like are these shorts too short and showing off my manly ass legs and going to affect me passing. Will wearing this shirt get me hatecrimed because my shoulders are obviously too massive to fit in it, that sort of bullshit.
But viewing it as a whole I don't really see anything to be worried about. My campus is liberal as hell, and I don't know a single person on a first name basis who doesn't already know. I'm pretty out, which is pretty awesome.
Honestly I'm just excited for Heidi to get back to me after being away for an entire week (Egads!? A whole week!? How did you survive!? I bet you're asking yourself right now), and for class to start.
Other cools news. Our band Much Much More (You should like us facebook, there's a good chance that will cause world peace, and personal happiness in your life.) is doing 3 gigs in April so here's to a busy month! With luck I'll try to get some video of one so I can post it up here.
So I was going to wax on rhapsodical about my life a bit more but this is already long as fuck. So here's a picture of myself from today.
Have a lovely day.
Queue excuses for why I haven't posted in about a month.
My computer died for about 3 weeks, and I had to replace the fan, heatsink and thermal paste on the cpu. Due to her death and rebirth her name is now Lazarus. And I repaired her all by myself too, which made me feel like a big grown up girl. Go me.
Finals week was also hectic (not really I only had three exams) but I'll go ahead and keep saying it was. Got a 3.05 this quarter though so I guess it went decently, and got around my goal GPA for each quarter which is a 3.0 or above.
I've also spent all my time this break playing mass effect 3 and Skyrim, and hanging out with my roommates on my roof, which is sort of a quintessential way to spend spring break in my humble opinion.
(Seriously, who doesn't want to kill alien invaders as a bad ass starship captain?)
But yeah really the only reason I haven't posted in a month is because I'm a lazy fuck. You're going to have to deal with that. You know, I have to deal with my lazy fuckery on a daily basis you know. How do you think that makes me feel? It's not all about you. God. (It's obviously all about me)
Joke.
Anyway. News.
So I just got my fourth month of hormones. Shits chugging along quite nicely. My body is definately still going through some pretty radical changes, my chest and ass are getting bigger, and I seem more slim (Although that may be more from malnutrition because I'm a poor-ass college student) My face also seems to be changing more, but that's more of my face looks different from 3 months ago, rather than my face looks different from last week.
I suppose that I'll be going full time next week (I sort of have already?), which is kind of a big thing
I mean the only change is that I'll be dressing to go to class and work the same way I want to dress when I'm hanging out around the house, or going the various queer meetings I go to.
I mean it's weird because when I say I'm going full time that doesn't necessarily mean what I think a lot of people thinks it means. I'm still going to be behaving the same goofy way I always do, it's just I'll have make-up on and hopefully strangers will get my pronouns right, and not ask me what my "real name" is (It's fucking Natalie. My name is Natalie, Nat, Natty, Natattack, whatever the fuck you want to call me so long as it's at least tangentially related to my real fucking name: Natalie, okay?)
I sent emails to all my professors though, I'd figure I'd post it up on here (I had originally stole it from tumblr, and then modified it to suit my purposes) because the orginal template is really formal and well done. I've gotten emails back from all but one of my professors, and the responses have all been positive, especially in my RA training class, which is the big thing that needed to happen. If one of my engineering proffesors is a dick, then I can deal with that, but if my RA training instructors are going to discriminate against me, then we have problem, because that's affecting me getting a job.
But yeah.
I'm not really nervous. I mean I'm going to be nervous about particular things. Like are these shorts too short and showing off my manly ass legs and going to affect me passing. Will wearing this shirt get me hatecrimed because my shoulders are obviously too massive to fit in it, that sort of bullshit.
But viewing it as a whole I don't really see anything to be worried about. My campus is liberal as hell, and I don't know a single person on a first name basis who doesn't already know. I'm pretty out, which is pretty awesome.
Honestly I'm just excited for Heidi to get back to me after being away for an entire week (Egads!? A whole week!? How did you survive!? I bet you're asking yourself right now), and for class to start.
Other cools news. Our band Much Much More (You should like us facebook, there's a good chance that will cause world peace, and personal happiness in your life.) is doing 3 gigs in April so here's to a busy month! With luck I'll try to get some video of one so I can post it up here.
So I was going to wax on rhapsodical about my life a bit more but this is already long as fuck. So here's a picture of myself from today.
(Yes, my room is janky as fuck. Yes that is a christmas wreathe, and my dresser is broken, and I only have one curtain. This is why my life is awesome.)
Have a lovely day.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A little post.
So sometimes I really need bitch.
Okay. Let's be honest. I bitch about things ALOT.
Okay. Let's be honest. I bitch about things ALOT.
(I can't help myself. It gets me everytime)
But sometimes its nice to look at the positives.
And my life is super awesome right now.
I'm on hormones and transitioning to who I want to be. Changes are becoming apparent. I get to dress up the way I want to.
I have a great group of friends who I hang out with.
A community that accepts me.
A girlfriend who I'm madly crazy in love with, whose in love with me.
I'm in line to have a dream job for the next few years, and provided I get it I won't have to worry about money until I graduate.
I'm going to school for something I love, taking classes I enjoy.
I live in a sweet house with great roommates.
I'm in a fucking band, making money, for making music. And loving every minute.
Life is fucking awesome.
When I first came out, and the months after, while still at military school, and a lot of the summer afterwards I was in a really terrible place. I didn't' think things would improve.
I'd be pleased to see myself now.
I wish I could go back and tell me life's gonna be great, just hang in there.
Because I didn't have too much in the way of hope.
Because now life is fantastic.
That is all.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I fucking got it.
I received the best email while in not necessarily in the best state of mind this Friday. After rereading it a few times and then making my girlfriend read it to make sure I was reading it right I flipped my shit.
Here's the email.
Here's the email.
Subject: Congratulations-RA Process-Continue on to take class
Dear [old name]:
I am writing on behalf of the Paraprofessional
Selection Team of the Department of Residential Housing. After
reviewing the feedback by those who you interviewed with, I am happy to
extend to you an invitation to enroll in EDCP 400. Enrollment
in EDCP 400 is required for all RA candidates who wish to be considered
for an RA position. The class is taught by current Residential Housing
staff and provides training for RA candidates.
As the next step in your candidacy, you must
register for one of the sections of EDCP 400 that is designated “For
Students in the RA Training Program.” When those class sections are
available for registration you will receive another email
with instructions on the registration process.
Basically I got the RA job. Almost.
I need to do this class. And qualifying for being the resident adviser for gender neutral housing is going to be a competition, but the interview part was definitely going to be hardest part of the selections process.
So yeah. Provided I don't royally fuck up this next quarter then I should be set for the next few years as far as education is concerned.
I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with my cat J'zargo (He's most likely going to be taken by my girlfriend, or I'll leave him for my roommate to have, if he wants him.)
This weekend was fucking ridiculously awesome though.
Friday night was spent playing a gig which went really well, and then with friends, hanging out at the house. I got the gf a hookah for her birthday, which she seemed to really enjoy. And then we headed to her aunts house (who is really cool) to celebrate her 21st birthday.
Awkwardness ensured when we went to her conservatives grandparents house though. (Who pretty much raised her, and don't know she is actually really really gay, and dating my trans* ass.)
It didn't help that I was wearing her dinosaur hoodie the whole time. (This thing is comfy and badass and purple all at the same time)
Or that one of my friends not so subtly mentioned queer prom in the car with her grandfather.
But there weren't any real crises, and her grandparents are still relatively in the dark, so the trip ended positively.
Winning.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I can piss in peace now.
So my first class of the day this quarter is Biology. Every weekday morning at 9 am.
After that class I have a circuits class in another building a good 5-8 minute walk away.
The span in between when one class ends and the next one begins is 10 minutes. No problem right?
Well actually problem.
I have the bladder of a 12 year old.
Combine that with the fact that spironolactone is a diuretic (Makes you pee more) and the fact that I usually drink either a monster of a giant fucking cup of coffee during biology, we do have sort of a problem.
A big problem, especially considering that the only gender neutral bathroom is a detour in the opposite direction of where I need to be, so I'm consistently late to my circuits class by a good five to ten minute, which my teacher doesn't necessarily appreciate. Especially considering I'm one of about 11 people who are in the class.
I've tried using the guys bathroom in the engineering building where my circuits class is, but that is literally the most awkward experience, and probably not the safest. I don't pass or go in girl-mode to class 90% of the time so I can't really use the womens.
But I mean. I HAVE to pee every morning at 10 am. It's fucking clockwork. (Actually its for maintaining homeostasis of water and electrolytes, but still.)
But guess what?
I found a gender neutral bathroom RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BIOLOGY CLASS.
And it's clean. And it locks. And it's completely hidden.
I can pee in peace.
I swear finding new gender neutral bathrooms is like encountering a unicorn.
It's a rare and magical experience.
I don't understand why they don't put the gender neutral bathrooms in plain sight next to the other two bathrooms. Seems screwy to me, but whatevs.
So problem solved. Yay!
I hope you enjoyed this post about my pissing habits. Tune in next week.
After that class I have a circuits class in another building a good 5-8 minute walk away.
The span in between when one class ends and the next one begins is 10 minutes. No problem right?
Well actually problem.
I have the bladder of a 12 year old.
Combine that with the fact that spironolactone is a diuretic (Makes you pee more) and the fact that I usually drink either a monster of a giant fucking cup of coffee during biology, we do have sort of a problem.
A big problem, especially considering that the only gender neutral bathroom is a detour in the opposite direction of where I need to be, so I'm consistently late to my circuits class by a good five to ten minute, which my teacher doesn't necessarily appreciate. Especially considering I'm one of about 11 people who are in the class.
I've tried using the guys bathroom in the engineering building where my circuits class is, but that is literally the most awkward experience, and probably not the safest. I don't pass or go in girl-mode to class 90% of the time so I can't really use the womens.
But I mean. I HAVE to pee every morning at 10 am. It's fucking clockwork. (Actually its for maintaining homeostasis of water and electrolytes, but still.)
But guess what?
I found a gender neutral bathroom RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BIOLOGY CLASS.
And it's clean. And it locks. And it's completely hidden.
I can pee in peace.
I swear finding new gender neutral bathrooms is like encountering a unicorn.
It's a rare and magical experience.
I don't understand why they don't put the gender neutral bathrooms in plain sight next to the other two bathrooms. Seems screwy to me, but whatevs.
So problem solved. Yay!
I hope you enjoyed this post about my pissing habits. Tune in next week.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Third Month of hormones
Woot, just got my third months worth of hormones.
Always a good feeling.
So I'm working to help start a transgender advocacy group on campus because there really isn't anywhere for us to go, aside from the local support group but that has limits on what it can lobby for out of the virtue of protecting people's confidentiality
Shits been busy and rocky, but we're slowly getting moving.
Who knew starting a group to advocate for the needs and desires of an entire section of a community would be hard?
I mean it will get off the ground. Or I'm gonna die trying. The big problem that I can see happening is that I push for a bunch of shit to happen and people get excited, but without anyone saying hey these things need done a lot of people will lose interest.
It's just a game of building momentum right now.
Anyway, these next two weeks should be fun.
I am fucking broke as shit. Like I'm gonna have about 10 dollars to my name after bills and other expenses until I get paid next in two weeks. I guess there's just going to be a lot of skyrim going on instead of going out.
It's not too bad, I have food, and my bills will be paid. But nothing extra is happening. I need it to be next quarter so I can get my student loans and be able to have money once again. It'd be nice.
In other news in my life. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I'm the baritone ukulele player of a three person ukulele band in Athens Ohio, so if you're ever around you should check us out. We're called Much Much More and we're sort of a big deal. Here's our band page. On facebook. Like us and all of your hopes and dreams will come true. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Much-Much-More/337188362981870
ALSO
I'm really fucking ridiculously super excited because my girlfriend asked me out to queer prom a while back and it's happening the weekend after next! She's letting me borrow this beautiful black dress from her high school prom and she's gonna wear a girly suit and we're going to be adorable and gay and pretty and asdfl;khasdfkjasd
I'm just really excited.
Always a good feeling.
So I'm working to help start a transgender advocacy group on campus because there really isn't anywhere for us to go, aside from the local support group but that has limits on what it can lobby for out of the virtue of protecting people's confidentiality
Shits been busy and rocky, but we're slowly getting moving.
Who knew starting a group to advocate for the needs and desires of an entire section of a community would be hard?
I mean it will get off the ground. Or I'm gonna die trying. The big problem that I can see happening is that I push for a bunch of shit to happen and people get excited, but without anyone saying hey these things need done a lot of people will lose interest.
It's just a game of building momentum right now.
Anyway, these next two weeks should be fun.
I am fucking broke as shit. Like I'm gonna have about 10 dollars to my name after bills and other expenses until I get paid next in two weeks. I guess there's just going to be a lot of skyrim going on instead of going out.
(Where I basically just run around yelling FUCK YOU and catching butterflies)
It's not too bad, I have food, and my bills will be paid. But nothing extra is happening. I need it to be next quarter so I can get my student loans and be able to have money once again. It'd be nice.
In other news in my life. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I'm the baritone ukulele player of a three person ukulele band in Athens Ohio, so if you're ever around you should check us out. We're called Much Much More and we're sort of a big deal. Here's our band page. On facebook. Like us and all of your hopes and dreams will come true. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Much-Much-More/337188362981870
ALSO
I'm really fucking ridiculously super excited because my girlfriend asked me out to queer prom a while back and it's happening the weekend after next! She's letting me borrow this beautiful black dress from her high school prom and she's gonna wear a girly suit and we're going to be adorable and gay and pretty and asdfl;khasdfkjasd
I'm just really excited.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Post Anarchy / The interview
So this one post every two weeks thing is dumb.
So is once a week.
The thing is, my life doesn't happen in nice manageable chunks like that. So I'm just gonna update whenever.
Fuck the man.
Anyway.
So here's the thing that's been dominating my thoughts the past few days.
Job Interview.
Here's the deal.
I'm fucking poor.
I go to school full time, which thankfully is covered by my Dad working for the university. But as far as paying for bills rent, and food I'm on my own, and I'm getting loans out the ass for that. But loans aren't much. They cover my rent, and some transition cost, which are important things. Food and utilities are covered by my ten hour a week minimum wage job, which is actually only a five hour a week minimum wage job because my house got cut. I don't have much money left over.
And to be honest I don't much care for being fucking poor.
But here's the thing. Resident Assistants get a pretty much free dorm room, as well as a grand a semester. What's more is that there's special populations, like international students, or substance free, or in my case, gender neutral housing, which is pretty much designed for trans* people. The job description fits me pretty damn well.
This sounds like a awesome job that I could do, and do well.
And I wouldn't be as poor. I'd have much more money that I could spend on transitioning, and buying pretty things. (Although I hate to sound stereotypical I would love some bitching shoes. Which are expensive, especially for a size 13 womens.)
So I'd get an extra two grand a year, and the 3.5 grand I'm already getting in student loans would be mine to keep. While I would be making payments on various bullshit (Phone bill from at&t that I got with army money, I'm looking at you), as well as paying back my parents for various stuff, I'd be able to keep a pretty hefty sum of that and possibly even begin saving up for some surgeries.
So basically I could be financially secure, and afford nice things until I graduate and then I'll have a pretty engineering degree which will see me through having a job and being financially secure after graduation. (Thank the flying spaghetti monster the field I'm in love with actually has job prospects, unlike say, english, or theatre).
So yeah this would basically be a dream job for the next two years. So I sent in an application with some recommendations.
And I applied as a girl. (sort of)
I had to put my legal name and everything, but I put my preferred name next to it, and put female as the gender marker (Hey, they asked for gender). I made it pretty explicitly clear that I am trans* in the application too, which should be okay, since gender identity is on my university's non-discrimination policy. (Which, as most people should know doesn't mean discrimination doesn't actually happen)
And surprisingly/awesomely enough, I got an interview.
Fuck yes.
Now in the past, I've interviewed pretty well. I've never gone into an interview and not gotten a job, although I've only done like 3. I'm pretty well-spoken if I do say so myself. (Although it doesn't hurt that I'm a better bullshitter, for the most part.)
But this is different. I was always really good at going in, and being the stereotypical all-american boy with a strong handshake and abusing the fuck out of my privilege to earn a job. This is how I got my prestigious four-year paid army scholarship (in addition to being decent at standardized like the ACT which I got a 31 or 32 on.)
I couldn't necessarily do that for this interview.
I know I'm definitely going to be full time presenting female by next school year regardless of whether or not I get this job, because at the rate I'm going my body on hormones won't let me do anything else (As well as the incredible mental relief that will bring). So I'd much rather be presenting female from the get go. Which is what I did.
Can I just say that I was nervous as fuck going into that interview?
The day before it really hit me that this was the route I chose, and I needed to figure out a semi-formal outfit to go into the interview. I was wigging the fuck out running around my room desperately trying to figure out what to wea, should I wear a sports bra and look like I don't actually have any boobs (sports bras are ridiculously comfy and at the moment make my chest still appear relatively flat), or should I wear a real big-girl bra, which will make it very obvious? Should I wear eyeliner? How about mascara? Shit I still have redness from laser the other day (Still hurt like hell) Is cover-up going to take care of that.
I was a fucking mess.
So I got my shit together, whined to my girlfriend for a little while via text (She's away at MBLGTACC a big LGBT conference in Iowa this weekend.) and figured everything out. Still nervous though. I half suspected walking in and them just being like "Why does this dude have eyeliner on and boobs?"
So interview came around, I walked in told them I was Nat (last name) (I usually go by Nat instead of Natalie in day to day, because it's shorter and won't immediately out me if I don't want to be outed) and did the interview.
And I think it went pretty well. I answered questions pretty decently, and explicitly mentioned I was trans* a few times, in regards to diversity and creating safe spaces, and the two interviewers were really nice.
But I don't find out for another week or two if I made it to the next round of the application process (A one quarter long class, which I'm pretty sure I will rock the shit out of)
So yeah. We'll see. It sounds almost too good, so something will get fucked up and it won't work out knowing my luck.
Here's a picture of me in my room after my interview.
So is once a week.
The thing is, my life doesn't happen in nice manageable chunks like that. So I'm just gonna update whenever.
Fuck the man.
(Shamelessly stolen from this chick I know's tumblr, also foxes are adorable)
Anyway.
So here's the thing that's been dominating my thoughts the past few days.
Job Interview.
Here's the deal.
I'm fucking poor.
I go to school full time, which thankfully is covered by my Dad working for the university. But as far as paying for bills rent, and food I'm on my own, and I'm getting loans out the ass for that. But loans aren't much. They cover my rent, and some transition cost, which are important things. Food and utilities are covered by my ten hour a week minimum wage job, which is actually only a five hour a week minimum wage job because my house got cut. I don't have much money left over.
And to be honest I don't much care for being fucking poor.
But here's the thing. Resident Assistants get a pretty much free dorm room, as well as a grand a semester. What's more is that there's special populations, like international students, or substance free, or in my case, gender neutral housing, which is pretty much designed for trans* people. The job description fits me pretty damn well.
This sounds like a awesome job that I could do, and do well.
And I wouldn't be as poor. I'd have much more money that I could spend on transitioning, and buying pretty things. (Although I hate to sound stereotypical I would love some bitching shoes. Which are expensive, especially for a size 13 womens.)
So I'd get an extra two grand a year, and the 3.5 grand I'm already getting in student loans would be mine to keep. While I would be making payments on various bullshit (Phone bill from at&t that I got with army money, I'm looking at you), as well as paying back my parents for various stuff, I'd be able to keep a pretty hefty sum of that and possibly even begin saving up for some surgeries.
So basically I could be financially secure, and afford nice things until I graduate and then I'll have a pretty engineering degree which will see me through having a job and being financially secure after graduation. (Thank the flying spaghetti monster the field I'm in love with actually has job prospects, unlike say, english, or theatre).
So yeah this would basically be a dream job for the next two years. So I sent in an application with some recommendations.
And I applied as a girl. (sort of)
I had to put my legal name and everything, but I put my preferred name next to it, and put female as the gender marker (Hey, they asked for gender). I made it pretty explicitly clear that I am trans* in the application too, which should be okay, since gender identity is on my university's non-discrimination policy. (Which, as most people should know doesn't mean discrimination doesn't actually happen)
And surprisingly/awesomely enough, I got an interview.
Fuck yes.
Now in the past, I've interviewed pretty well. I've never gone into an interview and not gotten a job, although I've only done like 3. I'm pretty well-spoken if I do say so myself. (Although it doesn't hurt that I'm a better bullshitter, for the most part.)
But this is different. I was always really good at going in, and being the stereotypical all-american boy with a strong handshake and abusing the fuck out of my privilege to earn a job. This is how I got my prestigious four-year paid army scholarship (in addition to being decent at standardized like the ACT which I got a 31 or 32 on.)
I couldn't necessarily do that for this interview.
I know I'm definitely going to be full time presenting female by next school year regardless of whether or not I get this job, because at the rate I'm going my body on hormones won't let me do anything else (As well as the incredible mental relief that will bring). So I'd much rather be presenting female from the get go. Which is what I did.
Can I just say that I was nervous as fuck going into that interview?
The day before it really hit me that this was the route I chose, and I needed to figure out a semi-formal outfit to go into the interview. I was wigging the fuck out running around my room desperately trying to figure out what to wea, should I wear a sports bra and look like I don't actually have any boobs (sports bras are ridiculously comfy and at the moment make my chest still appear relatively flat), or should I wear a real big-girl bra, which will make it very obvious? Should I wear eyeliner? How about mascara? Shit I still have redness from laser the other day (Still hurt like hell) Is cover-up going to take care of that.
I was a fucking mess.
So I got my shit together, whined to my girlfriend for a little while via text (She's away at MBLGTACC a big LGBT conference in Iowa this weekend.) and figured everything out. Still nervous though. I half suspected walking in and them just being like "Why does this dude have eyeliner on and boobs?"
So interview came around, I walked in told them I was Nat (last name) (I usually go by Nat instead of Natalie in day to day, because it's shorter and won't immediately out me if I don't want to be outed) and did the interview.
And I think it went pretty well. I answered questions pretty decently, and explicitly mentioned I was trans* a few times, in regards to diversity and creating safe spaces, and the two interviewers were really nice.
But I don't find out for another week or two if I made it to the next round of the application process (A one quarter long class, which I'm pretty sure I will rock the shit out of)
So yeah. We'll see. It sounds almost too good, so something will get fucked up and it won't work out knowing my luck.
Here's a picture of me in my room after my interview.
(I really should figure out a way to take pictures on something other than my webcam.)
On an unrelated note I'm thinking about dying my hair the blackish/blue it was before it faded away. Right now it's pretty much my natural color, which is boring, but I don't really have any money to burn on hair dye right now either.
More updates when I feel like it (Hopefully shorter ones)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Two Months! (Or "How the fuck did this happen" AKA "Yay boobs")
So I've officially been on hormones for two months at 5:30 on the 22.
We'll knock out some non transies stuff first.
The reason this is late as fuck is because I've been super busy and continue to be super busy with midterms.
Here's something weird for me.
This past month I've done pretty much just three things. Schoolwork, gay & trans* stuff, and hanging out with my lovely girlfriend, whose crashed out in my bed right behind me as I write this, recovering from some illness that I will likely catch in another day or two.
We'll knock out some non transies stuff first.
The reason this is late as fuck is because I've been super busy and continue to be super busy with midterms.
Here's something weird for me.
I'm pretty sure this is the first time in college, or school really, that I've actually had to study shit. And you know, do homework. Since high school I've always just been able to attend class/lecture, and walk out of there with B's and A's without putting forth much effort at all. That carried onto my freshman year of college at the military school (which is good because there was literally no time for schoolwork outside of class, given all the military shit we had to do) and most of last quarter with the exception of massive cram sessions towards the end.
Now it's like every night and day, I'm doing problems for my two engineering classes, going over differential equation bs because my teacher speaks very little English and likes ramble instead of, you know, teach. And biology takes up large swaths of time because so much material is being covered in such short time.
Now it's like every night and day, I'm doing problems for my two engineering classes, going over differential equation bs because my teacher speaks very little English and likes ramble instead of, you know, teach. And biology takes up large swaths of time because so much material is being covered in such short time.
And I'm not going to lie to you:
I fucking love it.
I'm enjoying the shit out of being busy. And my classes are reminding me how much I want to be an engineer. I love the logic puzzles, the circuits, learning about the brain (I actually had a small learning-gasm while our ordinarily very boring professor was describing how synapses in the brain work)
My classes are at just the right level of challenging without being overwhelming. Add that to the fact that I'm starting to actually get a little organized, (I am literally the least organized person in the world, as one glimpse at my room, or my notebooks would tell you.) just makes me feel really good about being in school for something I love.
It definitely doesn't hurt that my girlfriend is encouraging that, making sure I get my stuff done, we study and do our separate homework together. I have a really bad habit of doing what those around me are doing, and since she's really studious, I become really studious, which is an immense help.
I have noticed something though. I don't really hang out with non-queer people very much. Given that engineering tends to be really conservative and most the people in my class tend to just sort of stare at me, and then look away really quickly if I glance in their direction (I guess they don't want to catch THE GAY), and so with one or two exceptions I don't really talk or hang out with people in my major. Which kind of blows because I love nerding out about engineering stuff, and don't know many other queer engineers. So maybe that can be a project for the next month or so. Talk to people. I dunno.
Anyway. (So at this point your probably thinking "Natalie you ramble a fucking lot." to which I will reply "Yes I do", and then continue with a different story.)
I'm helping to start a Trans* advocacy group on campus right now. It's a ton of work at the moment, but luckily it's all being done online as far as organization is concerned. This is something that's been talked about between those involved in the trans* community here for a while, especially since our only way to meet is through the local trans* support group, which runs into confidentiality issues if we try to use that for anything public. So that's in it's fetal stages, right now and we'll see what comes of that.
On a slightly different note I've been having some feelings about my name. Well I guess it's not really my name. My old name rather. All of the people I know who I interact with in my day to day life call me either Nat or Natalie. Pronouns aren't as commonly gotten right, with the exception of a few close friends, but that's not as big a deal at the moment.
Anyway, I was at the library with a few friends, and I suppose after midnight you need to present your student ID to prove that you're a student. Okay, whatever, no big deal. But I didn't have mine on me, so when the guy strolled around asking for IDs, I asked him if I could just tell him my student number instead. He said sure, I told him, and then he asked for a name. I hesitated for a minute about to say "Nat *last name*, but instead realized that he probably needed my old, legal, name.
And so I said that instead.
One of my friends at the table with us, just stared at me and said "Wow, that looked really fucking painful."
And it literally was. It felt like being punched in the gut. I'm not sure if it was the name itself or the fact that I never wanted any of my friends to view me as "My old Name" rather than Nat or Natalie. I felt like fucking crying.
It plain sucked.
And I mean I still use my old name. My parents and siblings use it. But that sucks too. To a lesser degree because I'm more or less used to it. But I wish I could convey how much it would mean to me if they started using Nat or Natalie instead of my old name.
I dunno. Just being blatantly reminded that I sometimes have to play someone else entirely fucking blows, in a way that's hard to explain.
Rambling and bitching.
Sorry.
As far as actual body stuff goes I'm actually starting to see the results of laser which is GLORIOUS.
Anyway, I was at the library with a few friends, and I suppose after midnight you need to present your student ID to prove that you're a student. Okay, whatever, no big deal. But I didn't have mine on me, so when the guy strolled around asking for IDs, I asked him if I could just tell him my student number instead. He said sure, I told him, and then he asked for a name. I hesitated for a minute about to say "Nat *last name*, but instead realized that he probably needed my old, legal, name.
And so I said that instead.
One of my friends at the table with us, just stared at me and said "Wow, that looked really fucking painful."
And it literally was. It felt like being punched in the gut. I'm not sure if it was the name itself or the fact that I never wanted any of my friends to view me as "My old Name" rather than Nat or Natalie. I felt like fucking crying.
It plain sucked.
And I mean I still use my old name. My parents and siblings use it. But that sucks too. To a lesser degree because I'm more or less used to it. But I wish I could convey how much it would mean to me if they started using Nat or Natalie instead of my old name.
I dunno. Just being blatantly reminded that I sometimes have to play someone else entirely fucking blows, in a way that's hard to explain.
Rambling and bitching.
Sorry.
As far as actual body stuff goes I'm actually starting to see the results of laser which is GLORIOUS.
I mean my face is still hairy and I still have to shave, but it's a fuckton less dense, and there are patches where there's no hair at all. I think after 3 more of the treatments then I should only have to shave maybe once a week or so. Basically very rarely. At most I might have to do a once annual upkeep thing after that, since electrolysis isn't really an option in my area, but still that's so much better than shvaing every goddamn morning.
Also Boobs!
Still not quite a cup-size yet, but they're definately getting more noticeable. I'm not sure what I'm going to do come time when I can't just throw on a hoodie over them and be able to pass okay as a cis-dude so I can go about my daily life relatively unharassed.
It's one thing to have a bag covered in rainbows and buttons clearly spelling you out as trans*. Or have your friends use female pronouns and name in front of people you don't know. That might garner a few raised eyebrows, at most.
It's quite another thing to be walking around in between genders, and not just in a wearing girl's jeans sort of way, more of "You have boobs, but you look sort of like a guy"-way. That might garner a bit more than raised eyebrows, and I'll have to be more careful about doing certain things, like walking around alone at night. Or using certain bathrooms (Thank Cthulhu for gender neutral restrooms).
I mean don't get me wrong. I'm fucking excited about all these body changes.
They're awesome!
But it's a lot easier to write about nervousness than being more comfortable in your own body. There's more words for nervousness. Suffice to say I'm really fucking enjoying the effects of hormones.
Anyway. Gotta get back to studying.
P.S. I think I'm going to start doing every other week instead of every week, because like I said, I'm busy as fuck, but that will also give me more time to write about trans* stuff that doesn't necessarily relate to my transition which I really want to do.
Also Boobs!
Still not quite a cup-size yet, but they're definately getting more noticeable. I'm not sure what I'm going to do come time when I can't just throw on a hoodie over them and be able to pass okay as a cis-dude so I can go about my daily life relatively unharassed.
It's one thing to have a bag covered in rainbows and buttons clearly spelling you out as trans*. Or have your friends use female pronouns and name in front of people you don't know. That might garner a few raised eyebrows, at most.
It's quite another thing to be walking around in between genders, and not just in a wearing girl's jeans sort of way, more of "You have boobs, but you look sort of like a guy"-way. That might garner a bit more than raised eyebrows, and I'll have to be more careful about doing certain things, like walking around alone at night. Or using certain bathrooms (Thank Cthulhu for gender neutral restrooms).
I mean don't get me wrong. I'm fucking excited about all these body changes.
They're awesome!
But it's a lot easier to write about nervousness than being more comfortable in your own body. There's more words for nervousness. Suffice to say I'm really fucking enjoying the effects of hormones.
Anyway. Gotta get back to studying.
P.S. I think I'm going to start doing every other week instead of every week, because like I said, I'm busy as fuck, but that will also give me more time to write about trans* stuff that doesn't necessarily relate to my transition which I really want to do.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Week Seven
So this post is really late. I've been busy. My bad. (It seems to me like about half these post are going to end up with me starting with apologizing for being late. Perhaps I should just stop giving a shit and update whenever)
Oh well
My life more and more seems like a cheesy coming of age movie. It's developing in ways that I would have never expected to, and instead of the gorgeous Zach Braff as the protagonist it's my trans* ass.
For instance. People come over to my house and hangout on a regular basis. Me and my roommate actually host get-togethers where everyone gets really fucked up and plays video-games. Or goes down to the club. Or just hangs out.
It's glorious.
It's unexpected though. I was always this little nerdy kid who would play elder scrolls games in her room for hours on end. Now people come in and out of my house, we enjoy each other's company. People crash on my couch. I'm actually being social. Voluntarily! Crazy!
It's weird. And I get to wake up next to my gorgeous girlfriend most mornings.
I've started a three ukulele band with a few friends named Much Much More (Yes this will probably be the most hipster thing I've ever done with my life.)
It's almost like I'm growing up a bit. I'm not as much of a kid anymore, hiding in my parent's basement, emerging only at midnight to feast on peanut butter and jelly.
It's like I'm almost a for-realsies adult, leading my own life, doing the things that I enjoy. It's a good feeling.
But anyways.
Trans-stuff.
Next week marks my second month of HRT. Go me.
It hurt like fucking hell.
If you were to google to see if laser hurts you're probably going to read something along the lines of "It feels like someone snapping a rubber band on your face."
Let me tell you something.
That's fucking bullshit.
Laser was probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. And considering the things I've done to my body that's not a meaningless statement. I've got a scar on my right eyebrow from a staff sergeant kicking a fucking door into my face (funny story that) and subsequently getting 4-5 stitches. I used to do parkour and fall and hurt myself A LOT, and have more than a few scars from that. I've no less than 5 3rd degree burn scars on my body that will be with me for the rest of my life.
And while your experience may vary, none of that was up to par with getting laser done on my face.
I didn't have any anesthetic or numbing creme, maybe that would change things. And the lady doing it said the first time was going to be the worst because the hairs were the thickest.
But. FUCK.
The best analogy I can draw is someone heating up a needle strong enough to give you a second or third degree burns and then sticking it in your face repeatedly at a steady beat for 10 minutes, with it never cooling down.
Holy shit.
When I actually saw smoke from my facial hair being literally burned away, I had to just closed my eyes and just suffered in silence, til it was done, taking occasional breaks when it got a bit too intense.
It might be that hormones are affecting the way that I feel pain. It's just that, I've always been able to sort of grunt my way through any sort of pain. Finally it goes away I yell profanities for a few minutes and then I'm good to go.
Not this.
I literally just cried for about 20 minutes after I was done. I cried harder than I've ever cried for any sort of physical pain. I finally composed myself, payed my 200 bones to the doctor, left, found a bathroom (Thank the flying spaghetti monster for gender neutral, 1 stall, bathrooms) and then cried for another half-hour. Just weeping from the pain. I've never felt anything so intense.
It. Fucking. sucked.
It doesn't help that your face has a metric shitton of nerve endings, especially around the lips (where there is a lot of fucking hair for me).
As far as effects, the doc said that it should take about 4 sessions and I should see a 80% or so reduction in permanent hair, which should rid me of my dreaded beard shadow, as well as the need to shave daily,. My hair is definately thinner on my face, and I definately see improvements. My face was red as hell afterwards, and felt like it was sunburned to hell, and it seems likely that it's causing me to break-out with acne right now, but that should go away.
Also another thing to mention right quick. I was under the impression that I would go in, they'd zap me, and my hair would be gone by the end of the appointment, burned away to oblivion.
That's actually not what happens. They zap the fuck out of the hair follicles and then the hair gradually falls out half a week to a week later. Which sucked because I wasn't able to shave until about a day after I had it done, and had already been growing the hair for a day or two prior, so the laser specialist would actually have something to zap. So I got to walk around feeling dysphoric as fuck from my facial hair for about half a week. Just something to mention I suppose.
So yeah, laser. I've got my next appointment next month, provided the salvation army actually fucking pays me so I can afford it (Don't get me started).
On a slightly different note one of my good friends (whose actually dating my roommate, also trans*) just came out as transgender (ftm), which is super super exciting for him. It's always fun to know people like yourself I suppose, but also it's such a big step for him to be going by different pronouns and whatnot. Luckily our circle of friends is really affirming, and have been really good about pronouns (for me and him).
(Though my lovely girlfriend played a pretty huge role in getting my friends to switch to using she for me, since I always feel awkward asking people to use my preferred pronouns.)
The really funny thing is that prior to coming out as a guy he was what one would consider a super-dyke lesbian. Like unicorns eating glitter and shitting rainbows sort of gay. Fabulous, one might say.
But since he came out as guy he started dating one of my roommates (also male), so ironically enough, he's still got the gay albeit in a different direction.
Go Team Queer.
Anyway.
That's pretty much it for this week. It's not that I don't have more to talk about but I do sort of have real obligations. Like you know, School. This fucking differential equations class may kill me (although it would be nice if the teacher had a working grasp of the English language). The life of being an engineering major. Good thing I fucking love it, otherwise I'd probably end up killing myself.
Here's a picture of me from this past saturday before heading out to gay night at the local bar.
Cheers.
Oh well
My life more and more seems like a cheesy coming of age movie. It's developing in ways that I would have never expected to, and instead of the gorgeous Zach Braff as the protagonist it's my trans* ass.
(With feel-good indie pop constantly playing in the background)
And then we wake up in the morning and drink coffee, maybe make some breakfast.
It's glorious.
It's unexpected though. I was always this little nerdy kid who would play elder scrolls games in her room for hours on end. Now people come in and out of my house, we enjoy each other's company. People crash on my couch. I'm actually being social. Voluntarily! Crazy!
It's weird. And I get to wake up next to my gorgeous girlfriend most mornings.
I've started a three ukulele band with a few friends named Much Much More (Yes this will probably be the most hipster thing I've ever done with my life.)
It's almost like I'm growing up a bit. I'm not as much of a kid anymore, hiding in my parent's basement, emerging only at midnight to feast on peanut butter and jelly.
It's like I'm almost a for-realsies adult, leading my own life, doing the things that I enjoy. It's a good feeling.
But anyways.
Trans-stuff.
Next week marks my second month of HRT. Go me.
Also, more body changes are happening, and much faster than I anticipated. I'm actually starting to grow boobs now instead of just having these nasty little headlights poking out of shirt. I mean don't get me wrong, they're not exactly developed, and I doubt that I would fit even the smallest cup size. But I do need to wear a sports bra pretty much all the time now. And it feels pretty awesome. And is really exciting.
Oh and I got my laser appointment this past Wednesday.
(Pew pew)
It hurt like fucking hell.
If you were to google to see if laser hurts you're probably going to read something along the lines of "It feels like someone snapping a rubber band on your face."
Let me tell you something.
That's fucking bullshit.
Laser was probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. And considering the things I've done to my body that's not a meaningless statement. I've got a scar on my right eyebrow from a staff sergeant kicking a fucking door into my face (funny story that) and subsequently getting 4-5 stitches. I used to do parkour and fall and hurt myself A LOT, and have more than a few scars from that. I've no less than 5 3rd degree burn scars on my body that will be with me for the rest of my life.
And while your experience may vary, none of that was up to par with getting laser done on my face.
I didn't have any anesthetic or numbing creme, maybe that would change things. And the lady doing it said the first time was going to be the worst because the hairs were the thickest.
But. FUCK.
The best analogy I can draw is someone heating up a needle strong enough to give you a second or third degree burns and then sticking it in your face repeatedly at a steady beat for 10 minutes, with it never cooling down.
Holy shit.
When I actually saw smoke from my facial hair being literally burned away, I had to just closed my eyes and just suffered in silence, til it was done, taking occasional breaks when it got a bit too intense.
It might be that hormones are affecting the way that I feel pain. It's just that, I've always been able to sort of grunt my way through any sort of pain. Finally it goes away I yell profanities for a few minutes and then I'm good to go.
Not this.
I literally just cried for about 20 minutes after I was done. I cried harder than I've ever cried for any sort of physical pain. I finally composed myself, payed my 200 bones to the doctor, left, found a bathroom (Thank the flying spaghetti monster for gender neutral, 1 stall, bathrooms) and then cried for another half-hour. Just weeping from the pain. I've never felt anything so intense.
It. Fucking. sucked.
It doesn't help that your face has a metric shitton of nerve endings, especially around the lips (where there is a lot of fucking hair for me).
As far as effects, the doc said that it should take about 4 sessions and I should see a 80% or so reduction in permanent hair, which should rid me of my dreaded beard shadow, as well as the need to shave daily,. My hair is definately thinner on my face, and I definately see improvements. My face was red as hell afterwards, and felt like it was sunburned to hell, and it seems likely that it's causing me to break-out with acne right now, but that should go away.
Also another thing to mention right quick. I was under the impression that I would go in, they'd zap me, and my hair would be gone by the end of the appointment, burned away to oblivion.
That's actually not what happens. They zap the fuck out of the hair follicles and then the hair gradually falls out half a week to a week later. Which sucked because I wasn't able to shave until about a day after I had it done, and had already been growing the hair for a day or two prior, so the laser specialist would actually have something to zap. So I got to walk around feeling dysphoric as fuck from my facial hair for about half a week. Just something to mention I suppose.
So yeah, laser. I've got my next appointment next month, provided the salvation army actually fucking pays me so I can afford it (Don't get me started).
On a slightly different note one of my good friends (whose actually dating my roommate, also trans*) just came out as transgender (ftm), which is super super exciting for him. It's always fun to know people like yourself I suppose, but also it's such a big step for him to be going by different pronouns and whatnot. Luckily our circle of friends is really affirming, and have been really good about pronouns (for me and him).
(Though my lovely girlfriend played a pretty huge role in getting my friends to switch to using she for me, since I always feel awkward asking people to use my preferred pronouns.)
The really funny thing is that prior to coming out as a guy he was what one would consider a super-dyke lesbian. Like unicorns eating glitter and shitting rainbows sort of gay. Fabulous, one might say.
(Fair approximation)
But since he came out as guy he started dating one of my roommates (also male), so ironically enough, he's still got the gay albeit in a different direction.
Go Team Queer.
Anyway.
That's pretty much it for this week. It's not that I don't have more to talk about but I do sort of have real obligations. Like you know, School. This fucking differential equations class may kill me (although it would be nice if the teacher had a working grasp of the English language). The life of being an engineering major. Good thing I fucking love it, otherwise I'd probably end up killing myself.
Here's a picture of me from this past saturday before heading out to gay night at the local bar.
Cheers.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Week Six!
Okay, so I've had like the best week ever.
(with the exception of when I got my hormones, but I mean that was more crazy/lifechanging/emotional, and this is more just everything is awesome sort of thing.)
Schools back in session. I finally have something to do with my life again. My class schedule is a lot less ridiculous than it was last quarter which is awesome. (Apparently having 9 hours of lab classes every week in addition to having a full regular class schedule and working a part time job wasn't as good an idea for my mental health as one might think)
But since school's back in session that also means that all my friends are back, which is super-exciting! Most of my friends are queer as well, and fit somewhere under the alphabet soup lgbt umbrella. Which is fabulous in every sense of the word.
And I'm going to go on a brief tangent for a minute, so bear with me. One thing I've noticed though, we all joke about gay things. Stereotypes, euphemisms, innuendo, all that fun stuff. It's legitimately hilarious. We never joke about trans* things.
And there are quite a few trans* identified, and gender variant people in our group (although I'm the only one transitioning at the moment) And I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's sort of unmentioned. Trans* jokes don't really pop up, other than for the sake of "Oh hey we've got an entire alphabet here" sort of jokes.
I mean to be fair I really fucking hate things like obviously cis-gender guys in drag for the sake of a joke. Like that horrible abc series that's staring up.
So, on one hand it's sort of relieving, but on the other I wonder/worry if me being trans* might make some of my friends uncomfortable, or if they feel like it's a subject that just shouldn't be joked about, or if it's just something that never crosses their mind.
I'm not sure how I'd take a trans* joke. I mean at a party for new years, this one guy who is as camp as a row a tents and was on the border of complete liver failure came up to me said "Nat come here, ya' trannie bitch, give me a hug."
ಠ_ಠ
I mean, Browhat?
I judged him with my judging eyes.
Then again I really fucking hate the word "trannie", especially from people who aren't trans* identified. I mean he's sort of my friend/acquaintance, and still is I suppose. And he apologized later, and I'm not about to hold something against someone they say 'cause they're shitty wasted. I've been there. But still.
Fucking A
Maybe it's best to just joke about the homo stuff for the moment and leave the trans* stuff out. I dunno. More on this later. Need to think about it.
Anyway. Tangent Over. Back to awesomeness.
I finally scheduled an appointment for laser hair removal on my face. Which is absolutely epic. It's relatively cheap from what I can tell ($150 per session, for four sessions), and almost literally right next to my house. I can walk there. I don't know why I was never able to find this place before with all my googling.
I mean it's a legit dermatology clinic, and you have to licensed to use the equipment they're going to use, so I'm not going to show-up pay 150 bones and have them just shine a little laser pointer on my face and tell me
I'm good to go.
It's going to be so nice to wake up in the morning and not be immediately dysphoric because I have to shave these nasty fucking pube hairs growing out of my face. I can't wait. My first appointment is on the 11th, at 4:20, which gives me interesting ideas on how I might be able to deal with the pain, (although I hear it's not too bad).
Oh, and I got my lip pierced yesterday! I always feel so fucking shwanky when I get new peircings. It's like a little switch. Swag on. Fucking exciting. I really like it, although my lip is swollen as hell right now, and it's sore as shit.
Also exciting news, I got a kitty!!!
(with the exception of when I got my hormones, but I mean that was more crazy/lifechanging/emotional, and this is more just everything is awesome sort of thing.)
Schools back in session. I finally have something to do with my life again. My class schedule is a lot less ridiculous than it was last quarter which is awesome. (Apparently having 9 hours of lab classes every week in addition to having a full regular class schedule and working a part time job wasn't as good an idea for my mental health as one might think)
But since school's back in session that also means that all my friends are back, which is super-exciting! Most of my friends are queer as well, and fit somewhere under the alphabet soup lgbt umbrella. Which is fabulous in every sense of the word.
And I'm going to go on a brief tangent for a minute, so bear with me. One thing I've noticed though, we all joke about gay things. Stereotypes, euphemisms, innuendo, all that fun stuff. It's legitimately hilarious. We never joke about trans* things.
And there are quite a few trans* identified, and gender variant people in our group (although I'm the only one transitioning at the moment) And I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's sort of unmentioned. Trans* jokes don't really pop up, other than for the sake of "Oh hey we've got an entire alphabet here" sort of jokes.
I mean to be fair I really fucking hate things like obviously cis-gender guys in drag for the sake of a joke. Like that horrible abc series that's staring up.
(*Shudder* Let us never speak of this again)
I'm not sure how I'd take a trans* joke. I mean at a party for new years, this one guy who is as camp as a row a tents and was on the border of complete liver failure came up to me said "Nat come here, ya' trannie bitch, give me a hug."
ಠ_ಠ
I mean, Browhat?
I judged him with my judging eyes.
Then again I really fucking hate the word "trannie", especially from people who aren't trans* identified. I mean he's sort of my friend/acquaintance, and still is I suppose. And he apologized later, and I'm not about to hold something against someone they say 'cause they're shitty wasted. I've been there. But still.
Fucking A
Maybe it's best to just joke about the homo stuff for the moment and leave the trans* stuff out. I dunno. More on this later. Need to think about it.
Anyway. Tangent Over. Back to awesomeness.
(This was actually posted on the wall of my barracks at military school. Flawless victory.)
I mean it's a legit dermatology clinic, and you have to licensed to use the equipment they're going to use, so I'm not going to show-up pay 150 bones and have them just shine a little laser pointer on my face and tell me
I'm good to go.
It's going to be so nice to wake up in the morning and not be immediately dysphoric because I have to shave these nasty fucking pube hairs growing out of my face. I can't wait. My first appointment is on the 11th, at 4:20, which gives me interesting ideas on how I might be able to deal with the pain, (although I hear it's not too bad).
Oh, and I got my lip pierced yesterday! I always feel so fucking shwanky when I get new peircings. It's like a little switch. Swag on. Fucking exciting. I really like it, although my lip is swollen as hell right now, and it's sore as shit.
Also exciting news, I got a kitty!!!
(Created by billions of years of evolution, the sleek and deadly killing machine, in the flesh.)
His name is J'zargo (if you get the reference there's a good chance we can probably be best friends). He was a stray, but now he's my own little babykins, and I love him dearly.
He's absolutely adorable.
And also batshit insane.
He tries to pounce on EVERYTHING. He does midair flips when playing. And he cuddles with me at night. And falls asleep in my lap, and in boxes. I can't stop trying to take pictures of him with my webcam.
My girlfriend keeps on telling me I'm gonna turn into a crazy cat lady.
(You'll notice that eventually regardless of how cute a girl is you'll eventually stop giving a shit and not want to hear about her fucking cat anymore. Shamelessly stolen from Dmitri Martin)
Speaking of which. New news, I have a girlfriend now. She's fucking terrific. I mean we've been kind of sort of dating, but now it's official. Happy feelings all around. I mean. God, she's beautiful. And smart. And makes me laugh. And is shamelessly adorable. And she considers me her girlfriend without a second thought.
To be pretty honest, she's pretty much all around super awesome.
There's just a ridiculous number of good things about her. Like how since we both identify as pansexual and point out attractive people to each other. Or how we cuddle. Or paint our nails together. Or how we talk about everything.
Fuck. I'm gushing.
But yeah, ANYWAY. Awesome week. Hopefully it continues. Now that I finally have money from my student loans I can go for realsies grocery shopping, and I've been craving jalapenos like a motherfucker. Weirdness. I think I'm gonna see if my roommates mom can trim my hair since I haven't had a cut since I shaved it completely in February (yes purging is pretty terrible, and yes, I looked like a neo-nazi. The uniform didn't help). Apparently she cuts hair. So awesome sauce. Anyways. I promised a shitty drunk picture of myself from new years. That didn't really happen, so it will have to wait. In the meantime here's me and little Jazzy cuddling (J'zargo's nickname is Jazzy, apparently it's a hard to remember for people not well versed in Khajiit names.)
(Not sure I pull of that fashion mullet as well as Tegan and Sara :P)
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