This past month I've done pretty much just three things. Schoolwork, gay & trans* stuff, and hanging out with my lovely girlfriend, whose crashed out in my bed right behind me as I write this, recovering from some illness that I will likely catch in another day or two.
We'll knock out some non transies stuff first.
The reason this is late as fuck is because I've been super busy and continue to be super busy with midterms.
Here's something weird for me.
I'm pretty sure this is the first time in college, or school really, that I've actually had to study shit. And you know, do homework. Since high school I've always just been able to attend class/lecture, and walk out of there with B's and A's without putting forth much effort at all. That carried onto my freshman year of college at the military school (which is good because there was literally no time for schoolwork outside of class, given all the military shit we had to do) and most of last quarter with the exception of massive cram sessions towards the end.
Now it's like every night and day, I'm doing problems for my two engineering classes, going over differential equation bs because my teacher speaks very little English and likes ramble instead of, you know, teach. And biology takes up large swaths of time because so much material is being covered in such short time.
Now it's like every night and day, I'm doing problems for my two engineering classes, going over differential equation bs because my teacher speaks very little English and likes ramble instead of, you know, teach. And biology takes up large swaths of time because so much material is being covered in such short time.
And I'm not going to lie to you:
I fucking love it.
I'm enjoying the shit out of being busy. And my classes are reminding me how much I want to be an engineer. I love the logic puzzles, the circuits, learning about the brain (I actually had a small learning-gasm while our ordinarily very boring professor was describing how synapses in the brain work)
My classes are at just the right level of challenging without being overwhelming. Add that to the fact that I'm starting to actually get a little organized, (I am literally the least organized person in the world, as one glimpse at my room, or my notebooks would tell you.) just makes me feel really good about being in school for something I love.
It definitely doesn't hurt that my girlfriend is encouraging that, making sure I get my stuff done, we study and do our separate homework together. I have a really bad habit of doing what those around me are doing, and since she's really studious, I become really studious, which is an immense help.
I have noticed something though. I don't really hang out with non-queer people very much. Given that engineering tends to be really conservative and most the people in my class tend to just sort of stare at me, and then look away really quickly if I glance in their direction (I guess they don't want to catch THE GAY), and so with one or two exceptions I don't really talk or hang out with people in my major. Which kind of blows because I love nerding out about engineering stuff, and don't know many other queer engineers. So maybe that can be a project for the next month or so. Talk to people. I dunno.
Anyway. (So at this point your probably thinking "Natalie you ramble a fucking lot." to which I will reply "Yes I do", and then continue with a different story.)
I'm helping to start a Trans* advocacy group on campus right now. It's a ton of work at the moment, but luckily it's all being done online as far as organization is concerned. This is something that's been talked about between those involved in the trans* community here for a while, especially since our only way to meet is through the local trans* support group, which runs into confidentiality issues if we try to use that for anything public. So that's in it's fetal stages, right now and we'll see what comes of that.
On a slightly different note I've been having some feelings about my name. Well I guess it's not really my name. My old name rather. All of the people I know who I interact with in my day to day life call me either Nat or Natalie. Pronouns aren't as commonly gotten right, with the exception of a few close friends, but that's not as big a deal at the moment.
Anyway, I was at the library with a few friends, and I suppose after midnight you need to present your student ID to prove that you're a student. Okay, whatever, no big deal. But I didn't have mine on me, so when the guy strolled around asking for IDs, I asked him if I could just tell him my student number instead. He said sure, I told him, and then he asked for a name. I hesitated for a minute about to say "Nat *last name*, but instead realized that he probably needed my old, legal, name.
And so I said that instead.
One of my friends at the table with us, just stared at me and said "Wow, that looked really fucking painful."
And it literally was. It felt like being punched in the gut. I'm not sure if it was the name itself or the fact that I never wanted any of my friends to view me as "My old Name" rather than Nat or Natalie. I felt like fucking crying.
It plain sucked.
And I mean I still use my old name. My parents and siblings use it. But that sucks too. To a lesser degree because I'm more or less used to it. But I wish I could convey how much it would mean to me if they started using Nat or Natalie instead of my old name.
I dunno. Just being blatantly reminded that I sometimes have to play someone else entirely fucking blows, in a way that's hard to explain.
Rambling and bitching.
Sorry.
As far as actual body stuff goes I'm actually starting to see the results of laser which is GLORIOUS.
Anyway, I was at the library with a few friends, and I suppose after midnight you need to present your student ID to prove that you're a student. Okay, whatever, no big deal. But I didn't have mine on me, so when the guy strolled around asking for IDs, I asked him if I could just tell him my student number instead. He said sure, I told him, and then he asked for a name. I hesitated for a minute about to say "Nat *last name*, but instead realized that he probably needed my old, legal, name.
And so I said that instead.
One of my friends at the table with us, just stared at me and said "Wow, that looked really fucking painful."
And it literally was. It felt like being punched in the gut. I'm not sure if it was the name itself or the fact that I never wanted any of my friends to view me as "My old Name" rather than Nat or Natalie. I felt like fucking crying.
It plain sucked.
And I mean I still use my old name. My parents and siblings use it. But that sucks too. To a lesser degree because I'm more or less used to it. But I wish I could convey how much it would mean to me if they started using Nat or Natalie instead of my old name.
I dunno. Just being blatantly reminded that I sometimes have to play someone else entirely fucking blows, in a way that's hard to explain.
Rambling and bitching.
Sorry.
As far as actual body stuff goes I'm actually starting to see the results of laser which is GLORIOUS.
I mean my face is still hairy and I still have to shave, but it's a fuckton less dense, and there are patches where there's no hair at all. I think after 3 more of the treatments then I should only have to shave maybe once a week or so. Basically very rarely. At most I might have to do a once annual upkeep thing after that, since electrolysis isn't really an option in my area, but still that's so much better than shvaing every goddamn morning.
Also Boobs!
Still not quite a cup-size yet, but they're definately getting more noticeable. I'm not sure what I'm going to do come time when I can't just throw on a hoodie over them and be able to pass okay as a cis-dude so I can go about my daily life relatively unharassed.
It's one thing to have a bag covered in rainbows and buttons clearly spelling you out as trans*. Or have your friends use female pronouns and name in front of people you don't know. That might garner a few raised eyebrows, at most.
It's quite another thing to be walking around in between genders, and not just in a wearing girl's jeans sort of way, more of "You have boobs, but you look sort of like a guy"-way. That might garner a bit more than raised eyebrows, and I'll have to be more careful about doing certain things, like walking around alone at night. Or using certain bathrooms (Thank Cthulhu for gender neutral restrooms).
I mean don't get me wrong. I'm fucking excited about all these body changes.
They're awesome!
But it's a lot easier to write about nervousness than being more comfortable in your own body. There's more words for nervousness. Suffice to say I'm really fucking enjoying the effects of hormones.
Anyway. Gotta get back to studying.
P.S. I think I'm going to start doing every other week instead of every week, because like I said, I'm busy as fuck, but that will also give me more time to write about trans* stuff that doesn't necessarily relate to my transition which I really want to do.
Also Boobs!
Still not quite a cup-size yet, but they're definately getting more noticeable. I'm not sure what I'm going to do come time when I can't just throw on a hoodie over them and be able to pass okay as a cis-dude so I can go about my daily life relatively unharassed.
It's one thing to have a bag covered in rainbows and buttons clearly spelling you out as trans*. Or have your friends use female pronouns and name in front of people you don't know. That might garner a few raised eyebrows, at most.
It's quite another thing to be walking around in between genders, and not just in a wearing girl's jeans sort of way, more of "You have boobs, but you look sort of like a guy"-way. That might garner a bit more than raised eyebrows, and I'll have to be more careful about doing certain things, like walking around alone at night. Or using certain bathrooms (Thank Cthulhu for gender neutral restrooms).
I mean don't get me wrong. I'm fucking excited about all these body changes.
They're awesome!
But it's a lot easier to write about nervousness than being more comfortable in your own body. There's more words for nervousness. Suffice to say I'm really fucking enjoying the effects of hormones.
Anyway. Gotta get back to studying.
P.S. I think I'm going to start doing every other week instead of every week, because like I said, I'm busy as fuck, but that will also give me more time to write about trans* stuff that doesn't necessarily relate to my transition which I really want to do.
