Voice

So I originally was going to post this in my Week Five Update, but I sort of began to ramble and that became long as hell, and plus I figure this deserves it's own post anyway.


Probably more than anything but facial hair, my male voice right now makes me feel incredibly dysphoric. Which fucking sucks.I literally find myself talking less because I hate my voice so much. It's deep and somewhat gravelly, and not at all what I want to sound like.

What's worse is that when I'm in awkward conversations, which are pretty frequent for me, or when I'm feeling really dysphoric or out of my element in a conversation, I tend to drop my voice to a almost comically low tone. Which, as one might imagine, doesn't help the situation much for me, even though usually the person I'm talking to might not notice it.


So I've told quite a few of my friends that once school starts back up after the new year that I'm probably going to sound a bit different, and not to laugh at me, because it's going to sound horrible.


You see, I've been practicing my voice on and off since April, especially in the last month. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified to actually use in an actual conversation.

Here's the problem.

Well multiple problems.

First of all I'm struggling with what I talked about in a previous post, in that I'm worried that I'll try too hard and it will sound even less like a girls voice. I mean my "girl voice" (for lack of a better way to differentiate the way I've been practicing to speak) doesn't sound like minnie mouse or anything. It probably sounds more androgynous than anything else, but that leads me to the problem that I might not be making it feminine-sounding enough. It's difficult to tell if I'm landing on too low, too high, too much "chest" or "head" or a million other variables, with just my own ears to judge, even if I do record it with a mic and play it back to myself.

Which leads me to another problem. I've never actually used my voice in a conversation. It's always just been alone in my room talking into my computer and then playing it back to myself. Repeating the same thing over and over again. The most variable practice I've gotten is reading things occasionally. I have no way of knowing if I'll be able to maintain the right range when talking. Or if I'm scared, upset, happy, trying to think, drunk, using different tones or anything else. It's all incredibly foreign.

And all those things that use your voice but aren't actually talking, like laughing, coughing and a million of other things.

There's just so much room to fuck up.

And I mean I have really awesome friends. I doubt any of them would ever laugh at me because I accidentally slip back into "dude voice" mid-sentence. But still. I just don't want that to happen even though I know it will.

I mean in all honesty I'm going to absolutely suck in the beginning. But

 

(Adventure Time is basically win in purified form)

And I know Jake's right. I've done it with everything from teaching myself guitar to learning about computers, to school. Story of my life at this point.

.

I'll steadily get more used to sounding closer to what I want to sound like, and my fuck-ups will become less frequent. I'll eventually get down things like laughing and whatnot. And in the long-run everything will be totally spiffy.

But I am fucking terrified of those first steps. I know I'm gonna fuck up. A lot. I'm gonna need to force myself. And it's probably going to sound forced, which scares me even more.

Week Five

So Christmas has just passed, and 2011, as well as winter break from school is rapidly coming to an end, Which means a bunch of friends are coming back to the lovely little college town I live in to drink with me. Oh, and school.

Which is awesome.

Anyways, word vomit from the week.

Starting with fun HRT stuff; Let me preface this with the fact I haven't actually put on any additional weight (although I'm read quite a bit of anecdotal evidence that E usually means weight-gain, so it's probably coming)

I feel like I'm starting to fit into my jeans a bit differently. They're seeming a bit tighter, which means apparently my ass is getting larger. To be completely honest I'm not sure it really is. It's likely just my imagination, but luckily for me, that's why I keep pretty regular body measurements so I'll be able to say whether or not it really is in two weeks or so.

My abs are also no-longer is the 6-pack it once was. It's quite a bit more fleshy. I mean I don't have a gut or anything but it's just sort of a bit more flat. I'm not sure if that's from fat beginning to redistribute itself, not actually having worked out for almost 9 months, or me gaining fat and at the same time losing muscle, keeping my weight the same. Most likely a combination of all three. I mean I definately still have a dudely looking stomach, but it's an interesting change.

My chest is also starting to appear to be shaped a bit differently. It's hard to put into words. It still hurts like hell, but that's definitely getting a little more fleshy too. Which, not going to lie, I'm super-stoked about. Who doesn't like boobs? But I don't think I qualify to have anything placed into a cup-size.

Emotions are really just continued craziness. Everything is so much more extremely intense than it was before, but in a really awesome way. I mean I really can't complain. Even being sad is better than pre-hrt.

I'm getting weirdly really super-excited about small things. Like something cool happening on a show, or getting a heart container playing zelda has me jumping around my room with happiness.  Which is really cool. Happiness is always a plus.

And (family, look away) my sex drive seems to be returning. Might get a bit TMI here, but after getting on testosterone blockers you realize how much that chemical really just makes you want to HUMP EVERYTHING. And that feeling pretty much just disappears after you're on T-blockers. I mean don't get me wrong, I still got aroused, but it took a lot more to get me there, and didn't just sort of happen randomly, while I was making eggs or something. Since starting estrogen, my sex drive seems to be slowly returning but arousal is definately a different sort of feeling. It's difficult to put into words, and I could probably write a whole post about it, but it's much more of a whole body sort of feeling rather than concentrated wholly in the pelvic region. Which is pretty awesome.

ANYWAY, switching gears slighty.

I've  made a new record for bursting into tears at the most innocent thing: Sitting at my computer and this song coming on.

(Although to be fair, it's an absolutely beautiful song by a terrific band)

So yeah emotions. Crazy shit.

Christmas with my family went pretty awesomely if I do say so myself. I mean my family doesn't use my preferred name or pronouns or anything, but the highlight of my Christmas (aside from seeing my little brothers unwrap there presents, and then me subsequently stealing all their toys and playing with them) was seeing my name on Christmas gifts from my wonderful sisters, and even on about half my gifts from my parents, which was pretty huge for me, and really meant a lot.

It was also really terrific to see my lovely oldest sister, Taylor, and her wonderful husband, Dom, which doesn't happen enough, since he's in the army and they live together way down in the far away land of North Carolina.

After Christmas didn't go so well though. I had a bit of a falling out with my mother, which sucks. But I'm pretty confident it won't last too long. I know she cares a lot for me, but for the time being, I guess we're not really talking, which is pretty saddening. I wish they didn't, I suppose these things happen.

I am incredibly excited for New years though. Friends are coming back, school is starting back up, all sorts of fun shit. And the beautiful girl I'm talking to is finally coming back. Sempur stoked.

I'll probably do an actual New Years post, hopefully before midnight tomorrow, but if not then probably on New years day, because there definitely is some stuff I'd like to get into writing about 2011 and the new year, but this post seems to be plenty long enough as is. I'll try to get an awful drunken photo of myself to post on the internet tomorrow.

Toodles

Overdoing It

So when I first went into the endocrinologist, one who actually specialized in transgender care, I pretty much went fully in "Dude-mode" with a really good friend of mine who is cis-gender female and rocks a badass mohawk, and also tends to be fairly butch. The first thing the endo said when she walked in was "Okay, which of you is Nat?" Okay, definitely a fair enough question, and I sheepishly said I was.

Anyway, the conclusion of this first endo-visit was this little gem. The endocrinologist had told me that basically that "most trans-women who came in had a tendency to over play any sort of femininity, they caked on make-up, they wore skirts, were excited to show off their shoes and it wasn't until later that they usually fell into a type of femininity that fit them better" I was wearing boys jeans, a baggy t-shirt, and some old running shoes. I had a therapist letter, but she decided that she just wanted to start me out on testerone blockers so she could give me some more time to "settle into my role, and make sure it was right for me before starting out on actual hrt"

(The next time I came in I had on way too much eyeliner, my tightest jeans, and a cute sweatshirt, and she perscribed me HRT. My letter from my therapist was the same it was the first time I went in, and the only change to my convictions was that now I knew that I functioned better without testosterone, rather than suspected it.)

While plenty could be said about gate-keeping as a larger societal problem for the trans* community from this experience, what I got from it at the time was this.

I was and continue to be absolutely terrified of over-doing my feminity and looking "false"

I don't want to look like a cross-dresser

I don't want to look like a "drag-queen". That was what kept in the closet to myself for so long

 (although I've since realized that there are MANY incredibly gorgeous drag queens, like Manila Luzon) 

I'm not even super-femme to begin with. I don't know that I'd describe myself as butch, but I definately prefer jeans over dresses.

It's not that I hate dresses, or make-up.

It's just that I often feel super-dysphoric wearing them. I feel like I'm trying too hard. That, as my mother puts it, I'll be "a mockery of women" (God, I hate that phrase)

I'll be honest, I like to pretend confidence, because when you're confident in yourself people tend to be confident in you, but wearing make-up in public, or wearing explicitly female clothes?

That terrifies me.

That I could try my hardest but know that's not going to be good enough. That people will perceive as a "man in a dress" instead of what I am, a girl.

I can play off tight jeans, and shirts. I like having my nails painted pretty colors. But those are all things that I can do without immediately advertising that I'm trans*.

In my one-month photo, I was convinced that I would look awful wearing a flower in my hair and some make-up. I was nervous and the only reason I was able to pull it off is because I consumed quite a bit of alcohol and the person standing next to me in that photo, whose one of my best friends, had to validate that I didn't look awful. I can't put on eyeliner without first asking my friends if I should, when I should, by all means, be able to own that sort of shit.

And I'll be honest, I like that picture a lot. It may damn well be the best I've taken so far. I wish I could look like that everyday!

But I would never have been able to do something like that in public (or in this case at a Christmas party) by myself.

And I'm not even dressed that femininely in that picture! I'm wearing a button down and jeans (even if they are girls). I simply cannot imagine myself pulling off something that shows my shoulders, or anything without legs. I can't do the nylon-stocking-birdseed-breast.

One day I really hope that I can (things like sundresses that is; I'd much rather have my own breast attached to my body, thank-you very much), and in all honestly I'll probably ease presenting more "femininely". But I can't just do it right off the bat. I'll feel like a "guy in a dress", that I'll try too hard and only look like a parody instead. That terrifies me.

The problem is that I'm incredibly afraid of being perceived as a "fake-woman", and not even by others. It's more a struggle with myself than anything else. It makes me more dysphoric to look down and see fake breast, than it does to see my flat chest. The former only reminds me of male body more. Which sucks.

And that may be non-politically-trans*-correct. Being trans* is something that no-one should ever have to be ashamed of, or afraid to broadcast. Call it internalized trans* phobia, but I have difficulty acting as though that were true, even when I know in my head that it's just as valid to be trans* as it is to be cis-gender.

And I'm openly out as a trans-woman to pretty much everyone I know! I shouldn't have to worry about this shit! But it's not really about other people. It's about me.

I think it's awesome that a lot of trans-women who are transitioning can leap to super feminine and then gradually slide back on the scale until they reach a point where they're comfortable.

But I can't do that. Instead, my way of figuring out where I land on the broad, complicated scale of gender expression is to gradually slide over from male to female, keep the male things I like and slowly adopt the female things I like. I know my comfort range will expand though, especially as my body changes, but I'll be damned if it will expand easily, without me fighting myself each step of the way.

1 Month!

So today marks the 1 month anniversary of when I started hormones.

So initial impressions?

Female hormones are awesome. 

For physical changes, bear in mind I was on spironolactone (testosterone blockers) for about 2 months before I started.

So then, gory details, which may, or may not end up being more information than you bargained for.

When I went in to the endocrinologist to start full hrt I already had the beginning of breast buds, these hard little nasty things under the nipple that are the beginning of breast development. In this first month, they've gotten quite a bit bigger and a hell of a lot more sensitive. And I still haven't quite adjusted to them.

For example I'll open up a door and slightly swipe them with it. And goddamn it hurts. I mean holy shit. It's not quite as bad as being kicked in the dangly bits, but it still hurts like a motherfucker.

They also poke through shirts in a weird, really unattractive way. Layers are a positive. Let me just say I'm pretty glad it's winter. It's just weird because there's no actual breast development happening, although I know that's on the way.

My skin also feels much softer than it did a month ago. Especially on my face. I still haven't gotten facial hair removal (next on my list of things to do transition wise, and laser will probably happen sometime in January), but it has thinned out significantly. Which is strange because most trans* resources say that hormones don't affect facial hair growth. 

Body Hair is definitely thinning though, which is fantastic because it means I don't have to shave my legs daily, which is a near impossible task.

And while I don't have any way to measure this objectively, I feel like my sense of smell is improving. That is probably more likely due quitting smoking than from hormones though. (I quit about the same time that I started HRT)

I also have a little tape measure and have been keeping measurements of myself, because I know the human mind likes to make up evidence where there isn't any. The only real changes in so far as measurements go in the past month is that I've lost a bit off my waist, which is probably more due to diet than anything else.

Mental Changes have been much crazier in this first month than physical. I go into detail about them on my Week Three Update.

Basically I'm just a lot more emotional about everything.

One weird thing is that I think I need to relearn how to handle stress. I was always pretty cool-headed before being on hormones but that's changed quite a bit. Maybe it's because I'm more involved and invested emotionally in the world around me, but for example my house started flooding today because the temperature-pressure valve on my hot water tank was broken.

I didn't know this at the time.

I just saw water pouring out of it like a faucet and flipped shit. I had no idea what I was doing and was worried this was going to cost me a metric shitton of money (which it shouldn't, thank eight-pound, six ounce, baby Jesus), and by the time I figured out that hey, I should just shut off the water valve, and by the end of it, I was shaking. So yeah, I need to figure out a way to deal with stress in a manner that doesn't involve breaking down.

Scary movies are also immensely more entertaining. I freaked the fuck out watching "The Descent". Which was sort of fun. But also terrifying. I really don't like things popping out at me, more-so now than ever. But it's like riding a rollercoaster.

And I'm also getting bad cravings, for chocolate mostly (stereotypical, I know) but also for strange things, like for example I was really craving some jalapeno cheetos earlier today.

I feel a lot more childish, and care-free as well if that makes sense. I'm smiling a lot more. I'm quite a bit more expressive. My body language has changed pretty significantly. This is probably more of me being comfortable with myself than an actual effect of hormones though. It's a wonder what self-acceptance can do for you.

The biggest emotional change though, is that I dysphoric a lot less frequently than I did before I was on hormones, which is really awesome.

I definitely react stronger to dysphoria when I do though, and it tends to hit me a lot quicker.

For example I was having a great day earlier this week. I had moments where I looked at my reflection and thought "Fuck yeah, this is coming along nicely". And then I got home, saw my reflection out of the corner of my eye, and spent the next half-hour crying into a pillow and then another good long time talking to my lovely lady-friend who helped me through everything. But yeah crazy mood swings.

All I can say is that it's really awesome having people you know you can talk to. Anyway, this post was mostly just rambling, but here's a picture of me drunk off my ass at a Christmas party earlier this week, so you can sort of see how I'm changing. (And this one has make-up, which is always exciting)

(I'm on the right, with one of my best friends on the left, and coincidentally this is my first explicitly female presenting picture on facebook and it's also my profile picture, which is kind of awesome.)

Anyway, more next week, provided I survive the craziness that is the holidays. Stay Frosty.

Week Three Update

So this is pretty late, but I have a legitimate excuse! My power has been out for two days for circumstances beyond my control. And I've been working. So sorry.

Onto transition stuff.

I really don't have much in the way of new physical changes to report.

My chest still hurts like hell, body hair still seems like it's thinning out and my skin seems softer. Nothing different from last week.

More and more I can't wait until I get laser. I really hate my facial hair, I have shaving, I hate it being prickly. It makes me self-conscious even though I rarely, if ever, actually attempt to present as explicitly female in public right now.

Not a good situation.  Do not want.

Facial hair on actual dudes can be pretty sexy, but not on me. I just want it off.

(Example 1, although it definitely doesn't hurt that he has super pretty eyes)

And that same policy extends towards muscles,

(With exceptions. Goddamn, the things I would do.)

But the whole facial hair situation should be fixable with laser, and subsequently electrolysis, once I get my refund check for winter quarter (Hurray for student loans).

So yeah, not much in the way of physical changes to report at the moment.

My emotions, on the other hand, are doing crazy things right now.

I hate that it sounds so stereotypical, but I'm crying to things that I wouldn't have ever batted an eye at 3 weeks ago.

Prior to starting hormones I cried maybe, three or four times over the course of the last 4 years. I didn't get involved in anything emotionally, with the exception of a few fights I've had.

I didn't give a fuck.

And not in a cool, "yeah I was a badass who walked away from explosions without looking back at them" way. It was much more of an "I was an emotional cripple way"

FOR EXAMPLE

When my dog, Sam, that I had raised from a puppy and loved with all my heart, died, I didn't cry. Didn't even acknowledge it. Basically, I was an emotionless asshole.

(Oh Sam, stock photos do not do you justice, even if they do look exactly like you. You were the greatest thing ever.)

But now? Jesus-Goat-Fucking-Christ. 

I can't help but tear up when I happen across a sad song. My emotions simply respond to everything.

Sappy shit? Nostalgic shit? Adorable shit?

That's my jam right now. I am eating it up.

Fuck.

I cried while re-watching Lord of the Rings because it was suddenly obvious that Frodo and Sam are actually madly in love with one another, and have the most adorable perfect romance ever.

(Try and tell me they don't make the most adorable couple)

So yeah, that's the upside  of all this emotional stuff.

It swings both ways though. I'm reacting to real life in ways that I never would have before.

It probably doesn't help that I spent a solid portion of Tuesday afternoon, and most of Wednesday night arguing with my parents about trans* stuff, especially me transitioning. (And apparently they read this blog now, which kind of terrifies me)

But when my mom says something about how she's worried that I'm "going to be a mockery of women" that means me immediately on the verge of tears, instead of just being able to brush it off as bullshit.

Which doesn't really help me argue my case a whole lot.

So yeah. The emotional roller coaster that I've heard and read so much about is currently leaving the station. Please keep all hands and feet inside at all times. Have a fun ride.


As far as awesome things happening in my life right now that are only nominally trans* related, I've got a seasonal job as one of those people that stands outside of malls for the Salvation Army as a bell ringer, through a friend of my mom.

This is sort of weird for me, considering that the Salvation Army is super religious and super homo/trans*-phobic.

But, being a poor college student trying to finance transition, I don't have much in the way of options here, so I'm just gonna swallow my pride, take off my nail-polish, wear a nice conservative button-down, and stand in the cold for a few hours a day.

At least it's nice to know that I'm gonna be financially stable until my loans come through.

Anyway, my next HRT update will mean I've officially been on hormones for one month. Which is super awesome. Go me.

Rant

So first of all let me say, I fucking love tumblr.

(This is where I post pictures of really attractive people, kittens, and bitch about my life)

I also really like the blog MTF Confessions on tumblr. The basic idea is that MTF identified individuals can submit confessions anonymously, which I think is really awesome and empowering. But when I logged on to tumblr this morning I saw this.

"323) I'm tired. Every trans blog out there is run almost solely by trans men. Every trans meme focus on trans men (I can only think of Transrex as an exception). FTM confessions has three times the number of confessions here. Every new blog run by a trans person I find, they're afab and masculine. No one seems to care about us."

Feel free to bash me, but I really, really, think this is the wrong attitude for our community. I don't want to bash the person who wrote this specifically, but I feel like this sentiment is fairly prevalent within the MTF spectrum community, and really needs to be addressed.

Really I have two big problems with this notion.

First of all, it encourages oppositional sexism. Which is bad. We shouldn't judge our community of mtf spectrum individuals against the community ftm spectrum individuals. We are all fighting for the same thing. Trans* rights, awareness, and advocacy. This is not us vs. them. We are all on the same side as gender variant people. Although we may face different challenges and privledges, when it comes down to it, trans* people are one community, and we should support each other.

To foster an us vs. them mentality which splits between the sexes and genders of trans* people just seems incredibly counter-intuitive to me. We, of all people, of all communities, should be supporting our trans* siblings, regardless of gender or sex. This should be intuitively obvious, and if it's not I really think you should probably reexamine the way you think about sex and gender.

My other problem with it is that it seems very "Poor me" to me.

Know who this guy is?

Mahatmas Ghandi helped to free India from the British. He was generally a pretty good guy but also sort of a dick, considering he let his wife die of pneumonia because he disallowed her from having penicillin because he thought god would save her. He did have a quite a few good quotes though, and one of my personal is favorites is this "Be the Change you want to see in the world".

If you don't think there are enough blogs by MTF spectrum individuals, and you happen to identify as a MTF Spectrum individual, then it seems to me that the obvious solution is to start your own blog.

If you're just gonna sit on your ass and whine about how shitty our community is without actually doing something, then I'm not going to have much respect for you. You are not creating solutions. You are not creating a sense of community. You may not be part of the problem, but I'll be fucked sideways if you think you're part of the solution. And if you already have a blog, use it to encourage others to create their own blogs and/or events!

(This is where I'm gonna do the little "practice what you preach" thing, and encourage any trans* people reading this to create their own blogs, and help create trans-visibility, it's really not hard, and you'll be glad you did)

I'll be the first to admit, we, as a community (and not just the mtf community, but also the trans community and queer communities in general) need more vocal advocates. We need more noise. We have very specific problems that need to be addressed by society, and they're not going to be changed by us sitting quiet, and hoping that the government, liberals, the greater lgb community, or anybody else is going to help us. 

I mean Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ people! We need awareness! We need advocacy! We need intra-community support networks! We need more rainbows, Goddamnit!

(That's a little better)

But most of all, we need people like YOU. You are our community. If you see an aspect of the community you don't like then make an attempt to change it. If you don't think you're ready then wait. But there comes a time when just being a spectator isn't enough. Start your blog.

Again this is NOT meant as an attack for the person who wrote this confession. I've heard this sort of sentiment before, and I really think that this sort of thinking is a problem we as a community need to be really critical of, because I think it's a type of thinking we simply cannot afford to have. It's self-defeating, and not at all helpful to us.


Anyway, leave some comments, whether you agree with me or think I'm full of shit. Let me know!

Blog Changes

So I've decided to make a sort of weekly post on Sundays or Mondays, just as sort of a stream on consciousness, "This is how transition is going, here are a few things on my mind" sort of thing. I figure this will help me out tremendously in keeping this blog updated because I'm awful at remembering to do things unless they are scheduled.

This part is intended as sort of a public diary, in order to catalog my transition in addition to random thoughts, or pieces I write on trans*and/or queer issues, as well as, thoughts on transitioning.

Because of that, I'm intending for these sorts of weekly updates to be written and published in a first draft sort of manner, rather than be subject to any sorts of revision, so I can get glimpses at my thought processes during transition.

Note: I've actually already been doing this, but this is sort of a public pledge to continue to do so for accountability reasons, as well as to sort of explain my process a bit.

Week 2: The Electric Boogaloo

Well today marks the second week of HRT for me.

Aside from what little breast development I have (mostly just soreness, itchiness and, poking through shirts), there are very few things that have changed that I can definitively say are from HRT.

It would be nice if I could just blame everything on hormones. Oh I'm hungry, must be hormonal. Oh I'm not hungry must be hormones. I'm really craving some ranch dressing right now, must be hormones. That movie moment that I would have laughed at a year ago now has me in tears. Must be hormones.

More likely I'm just hungry because I haven't eaten since yesterday. I want ranch dressing because I find it fucking delicious. It may very well be that I'm tearing up because I'm not the emotional cripple I was a year ago.

I tried sprinting up a steep hill the other day. When I was going to the military college and weighed 170 pounds of mostly muscle this would have been no problem, I could do it in my sleep. But nope not now, must be hormones.

Or more realistically I couldn't because I've been a smoker for the last 10 months before starting HRT and I've also been placing myself on a low-protein diet to cut down on muscle growth, and I now weigh about 20 pounds less than I did when I was capable of doing a twelve minute two mile.Sure the testosterone blockers that I've been on for 3 months probably played a significant role in reducing my muscle mass and preventing the growth of new muscle mass, but I really can't know how much.

I guess what I really have to force myself to think about is that changes from HRT are an incredibly gradual process.

Also that under no conditions should I throw out the thoughts that tell me to ask "Is this causation or just correlation".

I'm am truly excited about changes. I've been wanting this explicitly for almost a year, and as a sort of vague, I'm not really a boy, but definitely more of girl for most of my conscious life. No-one is more excited about changes from HRT than me. But I do have to account for reality, and recognize that hormones, while powerful, are not in fact magic, and work slowly according to biological principles.

More updates in the future.

Why I am Writing This Blog

Well let's be completely honest here first.

Narcissism

Complete unadulterated narcissism in concentrated form

Because I like me, in all my Tegan and Sara listening, androdgyny loving, my little pony watching, skinny jeans wearing, queer glory. So obviously you should like me too.

(Seriously. Drool.)

This blog is good way to fuel my narcissism by letting me journal things out. It not only strokes my ego having other people see it, but it also helps me consolidate my own thoughts, and allows me to look back and see that I've made progress, whether that progress is in terms of transition, personal or emotional progress, or even just developing my writing style.

Coming in a close second however is a reason that's a bit more altruistic though.

There isn't as much information about transitioning and transgender issues in general as there could be. I've been looking through so many resources, since I first realized I am trans* and a lot of the information that is online is outdated, geared towards different audiences than myself, blatantly trans-phobic, sexist, or reinforces a gender binary.

I am not an expert on transgender issues. But I think that given my background I can, at the very least, provide a semi-unique perspective, and add to that relatively small pool of relevant, positive information.

But probably more importantly. I am just starting my transition.

That gives me also gives me a relatively unique perspective, and something to write about that might help other trans people who are in my position now.

But my biggest long term hope for this blog (This will sound really cheesy) is this. I want trans* people just beginning their own transitions to be able to look at my blog and feel hopeful.

Times like while I still at the military school, after I had just gotten kicked out of my parents house, and all the other times that I've just felt really shitty due to dysphoria or other bad conditions I looked at a small library of transition pictures and videos I have saved on my computer and they gave me the feeling that where I'm at is temporary, and that things can better and being comfortable with myself is possible.

That's a feeling that can save a life.

And that's what I want for my blog. I am not a special snowflake. I do not have magic gender powers that will solve all my problems with dysphoria and gender-related depression. If I can transition, be as incredibly queer as I am, survive all the slurs and names, and get through the all really shitty parts and be able to come out of it all (where ever along the gender spectrum out of it all is for me, and the same relates to you) with a positive outlook on life, then there is no reason that you can't too.

Obligatory Back Story Post

So I apologize for this, but I can't help but think about this whenever anyone tells me their life story. Sue me.

We interrupt this blog to bring you Natalie!

Abandoned as a pup, she was found by Muriel and her husband Eustace Bagge!

(BAAAAAH)

90s Cartoons aside (Oh, how I love them) Here's a bit of background about me.

So, before February of this year (at the crisp young age of 18) I had no idea who I was and didn't have any idea of what the terms Transgender, lgbt, pansexual, or really anything queer related meant. Gay people were people you saw on tv who really liked musicals. Trans* folk were a mockery one might have seen on Jerry Springer in the 90s.

I was a stereotypical (mostly) heterosexual dude,who sometimes, for inexplicable reasons wished he was a girl, liked to dress up in girls clothes, and sometimes found other dudes ridiculously attractive.

(Source)

(I mean, DAMN, who can not be attracted to this?)

This was sort of strange (In a rainbows and glitter sort of way), so I went off to military college where I could quietly repress my feelings in peace.

(And yes this is me, unfortunately)

As it turns out that doesn't work out as well as one might think.

Fast forward a few months of rigorous training, and in general, hating life.

I was on Reddit one night after lights out (If you don't know what Reddit is, and value your free time, I suggest not googling it, or if you do know about reddit then I'll assume you know when the narwhal bacons.), when I saw Ohbear's Transition timeline.

(How did you get to be so damn hot? I mean, hormones are magic, but daaaamn girl.)

Cue "Holy shit what am I doing with my life" moment.

Everything sort of clicked. It was that moment in the movie where you finally know for certain who dun it, and it was the person you least expected. Suddenly my life made a hell of a lot more sense.

And so I subsequently did a bunch of research, left the military school, transferred to a college near where I'm from and started transitioning. 

Hurray for me:

A. Recognizing absolutely awful life-changing bad ideas like joining the army, 

and

B. Recognizing really good ideas like, oh I dunno, realizing who the hell I am.

So yeah. There's a bit of exposition, so you know me a bit better. 

One Week on HRT

So I've been on HRT for one week today.

Prior to HRT I was on just testosterone blockers for a little under 3 months.

Spiro calmed me down, made my mind race less and made me feel a bit better. I was still living with daily dysphoria, but things were better.

Being on estrogen is all of that and more. It's almost indescribable. It might just be that the novelty is still there, but I've got a bounce to my step. I feel more like "ME" in a way that isn't really conveyable by words. I smile more, and there's a measurable decrease in the amount of dysphoria I feel. I feel more empathetic. Color seems brighter,  and I notice it more. I smile more.

Life is just better. 

It almost feels a bit like I've watching TV in black and white and then BAM.  Estrogen turns on the color. And then makes everything high definition.  

Again though this might not be due just to the hormones themselves; me knowing that I'm finally transitioning medically is bound to have positive psychological effects, so your mileage may vary.

But damn does it feel nice!

I've read a lot that says for most MtF spectrum trans* people being on hormones makes the lows lower and the highs higher. I've only felt the latter though. Luckily I'm not really going through ridiculous mood swings right now, which ordinarily are made even more extreme by taking progesterone, which I'm on. I'm sure they're on their way though. For the most part it's just been good vibes all the way down.

As far as physical changes go ( and bear in mind that this is also the result of 3 months on spiro, but full HRT does seem to have accelerated everything), my skin on my face feels a bit softer, the little mosquito bites on my chest are sore as hell, and poke through thin t-shirts, which is about normal for early stages of breast growth. Body and facial hair, has thinned out quite a bit, and grows quite a bit slower.

I'm also still losing quite a bit of muscle and currently weigh about 150lb-155lb at 5'10", and the vast majority of what was lost was muscle. I'm hoping to keep on losing weight and get down to 140ish, which is typically about a healthy body weight for cis-gendered females at my height.  From what I've heard is incredibly difficult to lose weight while on HRT, but well see. With the exception of the whole male-bodied thing I'm pretty good at making my body do what I want, and have put on muscle, lost muscle, put on weight and lost weight before. 

Also it might be psychosomatic but I feel like my face looks a bit "softer"? I'm not sure how to describe it.

Anyway

Here is a quick webcam photo I took. 

I think that it will probably be very interesting to see this photo in a year or two, if other internet transition timelines are anything to go by.

More updates later

HRT

So the endo appointment worked out. I am officially on female hormones. I’m think I’m still in shock, even now, almost 8 hours since I actually got the little bottles of progesterone, and estradiol my hands. I really can’t describe how relieving it was to hear from the endocrinologist “Well we’re going to go ahead and start you on hormones”.

Fucking Floored.

I got in the car and started to tear up. I’ve felt like this was something that I’d aspire to, but never actually reach. Shit’s crazy. Now I’ve got magic in three little perscription bottles. I started HRT at 11/22/2011, 5:30 pm. The first day of the rest of my life.

(Originally posted on my Tumblr on 11/22/2011)

Pre-Endo Jitters

Endo appointment today for maybe starting HRT.

Ridiculously nervous

I have to drive an hour an a half to get there. But then I get to hang out with a lovely girl until I pick up my sister who I haven’t seen in half a year. So here’s to having a good day.
Please just let this appointment work out


(Originally Posted on my Tumblr 11/22/2011)