Overdoing It

So when I first went into the endocrinologist, one who actually specialized in transgender care, I pretty much went fully in "Dude-mode" with a really good friend of mine who is cis-gender female and rocks a badass mohawk, and also tends to be fairly butch. The first thing the endo said when she walked in was "Okay, which of you is Nat?" Okay, definitely a fair enough question, and I sheepishly said I was.

Anyway, the conclusion of this first endo-visit was this little gem. The endocrinologist had told me that basically that "most trans-women who came in had a tendency to over play any sort of femininity, they caked on make-up, they wore skirts, were excited to show off their shoes and it wasn't until later that they usually fell into a type of femininity that fit them better" I was wearing boys jeans, a baggy t-shirt, and some old running shoes. I had a therapist letter, but she decided that she just wanted to start me out on testerone blockers so she could give me some more time to "settle into my role, and make sure it was right for me before starting out on actual hrt"

(The next time I came in I had on way too much eyeliner, my tightest jeans, and a cute sweatshirt, and she perscribed me HRT. My letter from my therapist was the same it was the first time I went in, and the only change to my convictions was that now I knew that I functioned better without testosterone, rather than suspected it.)

While plenty could be said about gate-keeping as a larger societal problem for the trans* community from this experience, what I got from it at the time was this.

I was and continue to be absolutely terrified of over-doing my feminity and looking "false"

I don't want to look like a cross-dresser

I don't want to look like a "drag-queen". That was what kept in the closet to myself for so long

 (although I've since realized that there are MANY incredibly gorgeous drag queens, like Manila Luzon) 

I'm not even super-femme to begin with. I don't know that I'd describe myself as butch, but I definately prefer jeans over dresses.

It's not that I hate dresses, or make-up.

It's just that I often feel super-dysphoric wearing them. I feel like I'm trying too hard. That, as my mother puts it, I'll be "a mockery of women" (God, I hate that phrase)

I'll be honest, I like to pretend confidence, because when you're confident in yourself people tend to be confident in you, but wearing make-up in public, or wearing explicitly female clothes?

That terrifies me.

That I could try my hardest but know that's not going to be good enough. That people will perceive as a "man in a dress" instead of what I am, a girl.

I can play off tight jeans, and shirts. I like having my nails painted pretty colors. But those are all things that I can do without immediately advertising that I'm trans*.

In my one-month photo, I was convinced that I would look awful wearing a flower in my hair and some make-up. I was nervous and the only reason I was able to pull it off is because I consumed quite a bit of alcohol and the person standing next to me in that photo, whose one of my best friends, had to validate that I didn't look awful. I can't put on eyeliner without first asking my friends if I should, when I should, by all means, be able to own that sort of shit.

And I'll be honest, I like that picture a lot. It may damn well be the best I've taken so far. I wish I could look like that everyday!

But I would never have been able to do something like that in public (or in this case at a Christmas party) by myself.

And I'm not even dressed that femininely in that picture! I'm wearing a button down and jeans (even if they are girls). I simply cannot imagine myself pulling off something that shows my shoulders, or anything without legs. I can't do the nylon-stocking-birdseed-breast.

One day I really hope that I can (things like sundresses that is; I'd much rather have my own breast attached to my body, thank-you very much), and in all honestly I'll probably ease presenting more "femininely". But I can't just do it right off the bat. I'll feel like a "guy in a dress", that I'll try too hard and only look like a parody instead. That terrifies me.

The problem is that I'm incredibly afraid of being perceived as a "fake-woman", and not even by others. It's more a struggle with myself than anything else. It makes me more dysphoric to look down and see fake breast, than it does to see my flat chest. The former only reminds me of male body more. Which sucks.

And that may be non-politically-trans*-correct. Being trans* is something that no-one should ever have to be ashamed of, or afraid to broadcast. Call it internalized trans* phobia, but I have difficulty acting as though that were true, even when I know in my head that it's just as valid to be trans* as it is to be cis-gender.

And I'm openly out as a trans-woman to pretty much everyone I know! I shouldn't have to worry about this shit! But it's not really about other people. It's about me.

I think it's awesome that a lot of trans-women who are transitioning can leap to super feminine and then gradually slide back on the scale until they reach a point where they're comfortable.

But I can't do that. Instead, my way of figuring out where I land on the broad, complicated scale of gender expression is to gradually slide over from male to female, keep the male things I like and slowly adopt the female things I like. I know my comfort range will expand though, especially as my body changes, but I'll be damned if it will expand easily, without me fighting myself each step of the way.